Is it humanly possible to drop the rope?

[Raine]

Antonia your posts have struck a profound cord in me. And even though I'm way behind you in this journey, so much of what you say is what I feel now and realize that like you these are not feelings that will end anytime soon.

I completely relate to the comparison to death of a spouse. Those i know who have been D know some of what I'm feeling, but not all. Rarely does a person go from having a spouse who loves you to a spouse who is gone in seconds, unless by accident. There is no warning or build up of fights or attempts to make things work. Six months later I'm still trying to wrap my head around what possible signs there were to equate this. There never will be any.

Lots of people in the world have lots of traumas to deal with. Some people lose a spouse through car accidents. They have to learn to have "a life before" and "a life after." But they seem to be put into their situations by freak chance. In my situation there is a living, breathing person, choosing to destroy himself as he and I knew him, taking our entire life and future with him.

I was hit with the stages of grief at BD, because it's like he is dead. The guy I knew is dead, but has this twin that is a mirror image of him, the opposite in every way but appearance who keeps showing up. There is no closure.

I was reading about things that happen to us that we find as a surprise because we don't have all the information. The author used the example of a pig that is about to be slaughtered but doesn't know it....but the farmer knows it. Its only a suprise to the pig. The first 300 days of its life are routine and it wakes up on day 301 expecting it to be like every other day. Day 301 is a huge surprise to the animal but not the farmer. The day H told me he wasnt happy and wanted out was not a surprise to him, only to me. Now I am left reeling and trying to make sense of what he's done. I don't have all the answers because I don't have all the pieces. Maybe 2 years from now I'll be able to answer these questions a lot better.