Recap:Me-39, H-41,M-3 years, T-41/2, Friends for 10.
H took job on opposite coast 6 months after we were married. Plans to move back never happened. Lots of life stuff in the way. H's abusive father committed suicide last year. Flew from his home state to H's city and did it within a few blocks of his office. H had already begun spiraling, toying with MLC prior. This pushed him over. He began drinking a lot, burying his pain in alcohol and making decisions he would not have made previously. We were not communicating well, arguing, generally not getting on well at all.
Meanwhile, I had shut down, had my own loss in my life, struggling with what our marriage was, how it rated to the marriage I had in my head. All added up to us being broken, both individually and as a couple, and neither of us knowing how to fix any of it.
September, H came home for my birthday. Argued the whole time. When he flew back, he was done (I know this now). Started talking to other women, dating, and then began a relationship with one of them. After two months, H dropped the bomb and told me he wanted D. I panicked, researched, found out what happened. Called her. They ended.
I found DB during that time. Started implementing (well, to the best of my ability) and working on myself. During that time, H was struggling, coming to terms with us, his relationship with his father, the choices he had made in life. Started counseling, going to AA meetings, taking responsibility for his actions.
We reconciled over the holidays. Both of us in healthier, better places. Both of us on the same page to make our marriage work. And, the crazy thing is, when we have been together (and even when we are not) the sexual attraction is super intense. I spent months thinking about him with someone else, repulsed at the thought of him touching me. Then when we finally were in the same room again, after hours and hours of phone calls and open communication, I wanted nothing more then to be intimate with him. Is that weird? Because, there was a time that I never thought I would want to be again. Now, I think about it a lot.
As my last post discussed, we are moving forward and being very conscientious of each other throughout. We are eager to get back to the same geographic location so we can spend the time and energy together needed to build a new marriage.
I know we are a little different because we had a LDR when all of this went on, and honestly, I think that's one of the reasons why I was able to get beyond the infidelity to really look at what caused it. I'm not sure I would have been in the same headspace had it happened while we were living under the same roof. But, maybe I would have? IDK.
For those of you who have been there, do the images ever go away? The head movies of your S with someone else? I want to hope that one day, we will be so far down the road, living a new life together, that I never have them pop into my head. I know they have lessened now, but I'm concerned when we do start living together again, that they will rise up and haunt me again.
