Studies in Feral Cats, part 5

[TSquared2]

I found the tips for communication in my scrape and paste DB library...

Here ya go!

I had a caller ask me about the specifics about what helps make communication more positive and productive. And as a coach, it reminded me that going back to some important basics might boost your talks with your spouse. Michele calls these the “Ground Rules for Constructive Conversations”.

1. Use “I” messages.
For example, instead of saying, “You get me angry” say “I get angry when you do ‘X’
or
“You’re trying to hurt my feelings” say I get hurt when you say ‘X’”

2. No mind reading. Try not to tell someone what they are thinking or feeling.
Examples: “You did that to get back at me”
“I know you how you’re feeling”
“It’s obvious you’re in a bad mood”

3. Remember that you or your spouse’s feelings are neither wrong or right. So, if you are one that tells your spouse what they “should” or “should not” feel a certain way, try hard to take that out of your conversation!

4. Leave the past in the past. Bringing up “old stuff” can leave the blamed one with a sense of “why try” because they know they cannot fix the past. Focus on the present, more viable issue.

5. Avoid “always” or “nevers”. These are adjectives that also invite hopelessness or a “why try” attitude because they communicate to your spouse that any positive attempts they have made have been totally overlooked and/or disregarded.

6. “Whys” can be heard as judgments or put-downs. “Why didn’t you take out the garbage?” “Why do you always have to do it that way?” “Why can’t you be nicer to me?” Can you sense the attacking mode? That will more likely invite a defensive response, right?

Remember to stick to the point and be concrete in your discussions. It probably goes without saying to avoid name-calling, right? And if one of you needs a time out, then please allow each other that breather.

And here’s my favorite one from Michele: Unless he or she is deaf, then he or she has heard you! Instead of constantly repeating the same thing over and over, trust that your spouse has heard you the first time. It might be a good idea to make your point, then let it go. As Michele suggests, in the following days watch to see if your request or concern has been acted upon. When someone feels less pressured or controlled (and that can happen when one feels nagged), they are more willing to respond to the request. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised!