I like what Hopper said about conflict, and I think actually BOTH persons can be too giving and too selfish, I think W and I traded roles there depending on the issue.
I think that you were NOT mistaken about your H for most of those years, it's just that now, someone else is in his body and mind and who knows which H is going to prevail in the end.
Sometimes I think the angry spew stage is like some uncontrollable out pouring of everything they had held inside since, well, they were kids or so. They never learned how to have a constructive argument, and neither did we, even though, in my case, I could at work in the duty of my job, but at home with W? Heck no! The closeness and deep personalness made it too risky I imagine, for me to have the confidence that I have at work.
There are a lot of communication websites and all out there, nero. Even in the head of the mlc forum I believe there is a communication tips post from one of the coaches. I started working on my conflict and communication skills with my co-workers and customers, good practice. Then I slowly worked it into my dealings with W, lots of trial and error, and personal stress due to the fact I risked her leaving or crazy spewing or something unpleasant, but it was a good growing pain...
Take a lot of deep breathes, have you tried meditating? I recommend this meditation they use for vets with PTSD, seems to work well, just google "Be still and know exercise". It helps me, and 2 of my kids use it as well. Also, check out EFT or "tapping", lots of free follow along videos on youtube.
Write things out, make lists of what you want in life (aside from H coming to his senses), what things you need to improve about you, and how you are going to get those things...make a plan, nero, make a plan, write it out...that will help with the spaghetti brain...how do you disentangle and eat a plate of spaghetti? One noodle at a time....
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
