Just me

[labug]

subguy, it's tough, I know the feeling. My H never contacts me, when I need to contact him, he's friendly and helpful but emotionally removed.

I've stayed this long because I wan't done. I would ask myself what would I be doing differently if I said, 'OK, done.'

My answer was always, 'not much.' I would have been grieving, improving on myself, creating my new life, working, volunteering, enjoying my sons and my friends.

I was not ready for a new R, so I just keep on keeping on and that will change, when it changes.

When you get those feelings that you want to change things, what is driving that?

And I'm not saying you should or shouldn't stay, only you know that answer.

[afa75]

Hey Sub,
I, like many others, of course know somewhat of what you are feeling. I'm there now. 8)
How is your neighbor? Invite her over for any dinners yet? 8)

It's very had to figure out how long to "stay" or "leave." Not sidetracking this convo or your feelings, but this popped into my head...This sounds eerily familiar to what the WAS experiences, at least preBD, to "stay or leave."

[bustingout]

Subguy I can only say yes to what both Labug and Afa have said. It is tough, but it will come to you and when it does it will feel right for you.

Great idea about engaging with the neughbor. Really like that idea a lot.

Hope you are well today

((()))

[eyesopen]

Subguy,

In one of your previous posts you mentioned that your wife uses your daughter to communicate with you. IMO that doesn't seem healthy or fair to your daughter.

[subguy]

Tori, yes I am pretty active with other people, I have been blessed with a great church family and they are taking pretty good care of me. Rejected is what I feel at times. I am working on me validating me and not needing it from anyone else.

vero, I am working on getting involved in some volunteer work. Their is actually a volunteering meetup group close to me

labug, what is driving my need to change. I am not to sure, great question. I am most likely wanting to feel desired so... if I move on I can actively try to find someone who fills that need. That is the irrational me talking. The rational me wants to work on me, get an interesting life before I try to enter another relationship (with wife or another lady). In hopes of finding a completely new and exciting way of screwing that one up, this way has been done and is getting old lol hahahaha.

Afa, yes almost like a WAS, difference is I'm going to stick around ask for help and give myself and my wife plenty of time and opportunity to fix our issues. She may not do that, it's her choice. Yes I asked my neighbor about eating and watching a movie and she has plans tomorrow night. I said I would ask her again, i'm going to suggest that we get together once a week if she is comfortable with that.

Eyes, yes completely taking advantage of our daughter. I told my D I will not ask her what her mom is doing or relay any messages for me. I also asked her to tell me if I ever make her uncomfortable with what I say (I try not to say much about her mom in front of her). I think my relationship with my D has actually grown closer through this. i am trying my darndest to validate and listen to her, i even repeat what she says to make sure. A 180 for me...

I am better today, i cried at church during service and a wonderful lady with MS and struggling to walk came over to give me a hug. Asked me if i was okay and wanted me to sit next to her. I love my church... I then went over to a friends house and helped home cut some fire wood and we ate dinner then watched a movie. So yes much better today. Some days I feel like a three legged Hippo in a but kicking contest and some days I'm winning, as everyone here has had to deal with.

[JuneReN]

Agree with VP, volunteering is the best thing.

We all take a beating in the self esteem area. Also agree with Luke, exercise is key. The clarity that comes from a whack of endorphins and the good feeling after is fairly priceless at this point in the game.

((((sg))))...send some lasagna

[labug]

That is the irrational me talking. The rational me wants to work on me, get an interesting life before I try to enter another relationship (with wife or another lady).

Me, too! I've been reading posts on here for over a year now and I see so many people come and go, many people drift away when it gets tough. You would think the tough part is when S left but for most people the tough part is looking in the mirror, seeing what needs to be fixed and fixing it.

For some it seems easier to not work on themselves, get into a new R which validates them to themselves (see, I'm not so bad) and then be surprised when that R follows the same trajectory.

I want to get to the place where I want a R, but don't need one. A place where my life is good, I do things I want, enjoy my work, volunteer with things that are important to me, travel, go to movies, music events, plays.

As I wrote that, I realized I'm almost there. I don't really want a R with H right now, at least not the way he is at this time. I know that it would be difficult because he's content to do very little in the way of activities. I'm not. So would I want to give up the life I have now to go back to that? Do I want to be coaxing him to do things? Do I want to be disappointed that he doesn't take date night seriously? Do I want to go back to conflict avoidance.

No.

OK subguy, looks like I've used your thread to journal. Thanks.

[subguy]

OK subguy, looks like I've used your thread to journal. Thanks.

lol your most welcome.

Me, too! I've been reading posts on here for over a year now and I see so many people come and go, many people drift away when it gets tough. You would think the tough part is when S left but for most people the tough part is looking in the mirror, seeing what needs to be fixed and fixing it.

For some it seems easier to not work on themselves, get into a new R which validates them to themselves (see, I'm not so bad) and then be surprised when that R follows the same trajectory.

Hhmm interesting thought, I think that is it in a nut shell. The WAS has the same characteristics. Refusing to look at themselves and blaming others for their unhappiness. The LBS gets a good does of reality at BD, it takes the WAS a lot longer to get the 2X4, maybe never. I must work on me because I don't like reruns, they are boring. lol

I want to get to the place where I want a R, but don't need one. A place where my life is good, I do things I want, enjoy my work, volunteer with things that are important to me, travel, go to movies, music events, plays.

Thats what I want and it is tough sitting here and not "dating". Thinking and analyzing. My IC basically said we got married young and never really dated much so we did not have a chance to grow through failed relationships. We did not get to figure out what we wanted in a relationship and how to ask for it. Basically we did not grow up and now my W is wanting out instead of doing the tough work of looking at herself. My desire is she will want to change herself. I cannot manipulate her into change. I cannot wish her into change. I cannot beg her into change. I cannot be nice enough for her to change. She has to want to change. Basically the pain of change has to be less than the pain of staying in her current situation. This is all in perspective, her perspective right now is it's less painful to walk away. Hopefully through my actions she will she that change is a good thing and it brings on wonderful things in life. Leading a rich and fulfilling life, being a blessing to others, being a blessing to myself.

Bug, you seem strong and in a good place, that is my ultimate desire to be strong and independent. A strong and independent me will be desirable to others and either my wife will or will not want some. I will learn how to validate others feelings, I will learn how to constructively communicate my wants and desires, I will learn to listen for others that are asking to have their wants and desires filled (with that I will learn how to recognize my boundary limits and how to control them). I will become a friend, lover, dad, brother, uncle etc. that I've always wanted.

[labug]

we got married young and never really dated much so we did not have a chance to grow through failed relationships. We did not get to figure out what we wanted in a relationship and how to ask for it. Basically we did not grow up

The same could be said for me. And now I have the chance to grow up. That whole paragraph is hitting the nail on the head.

I'm getting stronger every day but it's been work, slow, sometimes painful work. For the first 6 months after the BD, I was useless, drug myself to work, was in bed when I wasn't at work, and cried, a lot. I was in a pretty deep depression.

Change does happen I just had to drop the timeline and expectations and keep working on me.

[mamabird]

we got married young and never really dated much so we did not have a chance to grow through failed relationships. We did not get to figure out what we wanted in a relationship and how to ask for it. Basically we did not grow up

Me too ... I have known my H since the age of 12 but we were not "together" until age 28. I had one serious R before him and it was just as dysfunctional...

Bug is right - the hardest part is looking in the mirror and figuring out what needs to change, and having the strength to do it.