Your h is very "normal" for an mlcer. The comment about him working on his dad's computer, etc., very, very typical. His father was the authority figure that didn't validated him or affirm his accomplishments. So, the second time around being a child, he goes back in time to revisit that parent or authority figure, as you have seen w/your h. They have to resolve their feelings/emtoions about this person and why that person treated them so poorly. Your h will eventually do this w/his father.
Is his mother still alive? Did he have any contact w/her pre-crisis? He's going to have to deal w/his abandonment issues as he travels the path too.
Nero, he is definitely in emotional pain. Even though we can't see the injury it is deep within him and he's got to heal himself. We can't do it for them. You may never be able to "fit" the entire puzzle together. After 13 years, I still have one or two pieces that I'm still puzzling over, but I do know that when God is ready to reveal the answers he will.
You are a good person and I know you were a good wife to your h, so do not ever doubt yourself again. You didn't do anything to trigger this crisis nor did you create it. Let me just say this, if he had not reconnected w/the secretary, he would have found someone else. She's nothing special, but a passenger riding in a car on a dangerous road w/a lunatic at the wheel.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
