thank you so much for your little "pep" talk rite this moment- IT IS SOOOOOOOOO "ON POINT" I can't believe it- I can now proceed with my day/life - this is the first time i've actually felt that perhaps - I can see his pain/confusion. before now- it's seemed like spoiled child-ed-ness. no kidding. just your one observation that is so close to home.
Quote:
What happened to your spouse is not your fault. It happened a long, long time ago at an early stage. He/she was stunted emotionally by someone in authority. Their feelings/thoughts were not validated and some of them were expected to live up to very high standards when all they wanted to do is be a child and be heard.
are you a psychiatrist or a mind reader? THIS IS SOOOOO MY H - when i met him he HATED HIS father (now he's buddies but he's the "smart guy" and in the driver seat) my h was/is a smart kid - his father was such a demanding nazi of a guy (total egocentric priss-pot)(still is btw). NOTHING was good enough. when his parents split (he was 12) his mom took baby brother & cleared out in blink of eye- he didn't even suspect anything going on. he was left with hard As$ father... (who had threatened to expose mother as adultress, etc. so she just LEFT H and ran off with om - leaving him with this man she didn't even like!!??) (he hasn't spoken to her in about six years now)
he tells the story of getting an A and his father said "not good enough" so he replied "best you can get"- and hard ole father said, " if you were so smart - the teacher would have given you an A+ and created a new category just for you" (!) ... your comment resonates with me a hell of alot this morning. your comment & his (defining) story.
I also now stack up his confusion & pain as a kid having his mother just disappear & leave him with crap father (I compare it to how i feel with this mlc - BUT i can talk about it and do to handful of buddies - i have that support and it's still hard. he was a kid- kids can't talk about this junk AND he was with demanding & unreasonable & unloving father to boot.
saying this to you now - i feel like a rat to be so ready to overlook his lifelong messed up broken-little-kid-heart.
i also think - this father of his that he could never ever please or be good enough for. his wife died a couple years ago (my h HATED THIS step mother) (alot) - now my h has father "all to himself" - he continually fixes his father's computer and advises him (role reversal) now he's the "father" of his dad. maybe this is some part of it all - somehow - (me wondering - don't know how it all fits together)
i TRULY WANT to believe he's broken & in pain - in order to be able to carry on my part with a sense of some purpose. i need to believe it's not all a joke to him - (me that is).
i hate being second fiddle all of a sudden to alot of other characters in his life that he thinks are more important) and i don't like that this ea is someone he dredged from our past- old secretary - from years & years ago. i can't fit all the peices together to make sense to me -
thank you so much - i am amazed and taking it as a giant and positive "sign" that you happened to be out there and say this particular thing. for now - i's re-juvinated my resolve
I hate when i lose my compassion or cannot see beyond my tiredness -
this comment of yours that is soooo pertinent and applies so well. i hope you are right - that i didn't break him and can't fix him. i've stopped trying anyway - i do not talk or "go there" about r, m, love, whatever. It's just that i lose "heart" sometimes and feel floundering - about it all.
I have managed to see in myself an improvement on the "don't talk" & have patience front. i've done a 180 in life with my ability to hear incitement to argue and not get "involved". this has somehow happened by itself - NOW for first time in r i am the person to "step back" and remain calm in face of conflict. he gets hot under the collar (new and most unappealing). this one thing is amazing to me - role reversal!??
I can keep my own counsel - and i can keep my own distance/space. I have been going out more, lately feel creative again (a HUGE thing in my life) - walk daily w/friend up here and down in fl -so i'm not a total loser - at this moment- he's been to see ow this weekend- so he hasn't called - i have not been my usual mad and creepy self about it. i've been kind of "detached" (i can't believe i'm saying it out loud and it is the word that describes it). i've felt badly to notice that i just am "done" caring about that mostly. no gut wrenching and no sick stomach. just think about it- and let it flow out of my head. it hurts - but doesn't "stop" .
i keep hoping i am not just realizing he is a bad person inside - rather than the guy i loved. i never say any of this junk to him - i act like i'm just going along in my life.
seriously- thanks so much. I'm back to life and still standing my ground here. you have saved me today.
