Thanks everyone for talking me down off of the proverbial ledge.. I know in those moments that my head is still looking for some way to turn this around.. as if i have any control... and then my co-d behaviors gain power... a wicked cycle.
i guess i feel guilty that i know she has an appointment with a specialist and i know that her MD mentioned cancer as a possibility.
it is the double bind i have been in since this started. her telling me that i don't pay attention to her needs. combined with her not wanting my attention. either way, she gets to be angry with me.
detach, detach, detach...
val, you are so correct, if she wants me to know, she will tell me.
on the brighter side, i am enjoying and looking forward to things again. that is such a relief.
and bug, a trampoline sounds like a lot of fun, if put to better use
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
ha - I'll keep my "better use of the trampoline" comments to myself.
I struggled (and if I'm honest STILL) with this too. The idea that you seriously took her complaints and worked on them and now you can't show HER....
.... but you still can.. just not directly.
You and her have mutual friends, and you are still part of her family. If the changes are true and are good, they will notice and IT WILL get back to your w.
What she does with that info is up to her.
I'm hesitant to suggest this - because part of me just says to keep your mouth shut..
.. but if you are TRULY concerned (no expectations, no selfish reasons) than you could always ask her SIL.
BUT you have to be very careful with that.. and you have to be okay with the consequences of it too.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
well in the midst of all this wondering about W's health and well-being, I get a text on Thursday asking for the license plate number of my car. Probably for the D papers, I can not think of any other reason she would want that info.
I decided to think about it before I responded... and tbh, i was frustrated bc i made it clear that i need space less than two weeks ago.
and i have done everything i can to avoid contact... even paying a bill around the holidays that was hers just bc i did not want to contact her then. my car sits in the driveway every single night and she knows that and can drive by at any time and get the license plate number.
and then friday night at 11:30PM i get another text about it.. and that made me angry bc i was trying to sleep... and what is so important that she needed to text at 11:30PM on a Friday night??
so i have not responded. any thoughts?
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Grace, when I was trying to detect from my H, I told him I needed our communications to be only about our business and financial matters . this appears to be that type . so, even though she could drive by your house and get your tag number, there's no guarantee you'd be there .
the request doesn't seem unreasonable nor a boundary crosser to me .
I know how hard this is .
((((()))))
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Hmmm. The Friday night text is odd. Not exactly analogous, but I used to have a boss who would call me at home on the weekends to ask questions, the answers to which couldn't be acted upon before Monday morning. He never got answers to those questions before Monday morning, but then I [i]am[/am] stubborn.
Not sure if you've described it here, but how exactly did you phrase your "made it clear that i need space"? Perhaps it was clearer to you than to her?
You are motivated to be resourceful and find ways to get what you need without initiating contact. She may not be thinking the same way. Maybe she thinks it would be worse to do a drive-by when you're wanting space. I mean, maybe you'll see her and think she's stalking you. Eew.
bug, i know it seems silly but it is a pattern of inconsiderate timing and requests for things she either has or could get easily that bothers me. (the car was hers too and i would be surprised if she does not have the info somewhere.) the D can not be final until May due to the 6 months waiting period, we have already agreed upon things, it feels like pouring salt in the wounds to contact me right now.
but you all are right, thanks everyone, i am making a mountain out of a molehill in the scheme of things.. i will send her the info so that it stops.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I understand what you are saying. It's not necessary she contact you and she didn't give a reason. Of course it's hard to acquiesce so readily.
Yet- for your own peace of mind- maybe just get it over with and as why this is so urgent and maybe restate that you had asked for space so a non urgent matter makes you uncomfortable.
I don't know. But definitely do what makes YOU comfortable so that you can let go of this either way
((((( )))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
If you don't want to communicate through text, respond to her via email.
You don't need to tell her that you need space, just show it. She WILL get the point.
I always took care of the bills, etc.. so when I stopped answering questions that my x could figure out, that was a 180. She didn't care for it too much and pushed harder... but I kept firm.
Eventually she got the point and now takes care of her own problems.
Would not responding be a 180 for you? What's the big deal if you don't answer her?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
before i saw your post val, i had texted her the plate number and i did just to end it and find some peace again, like you mentioned busting.. i did not say anything else and am hoping my actions speak volumes, but i will address the space issue further if she asks more questions.
i thought her late night text when i did not answer her request in a day was out of line as well as her not telling me why she needed it.. but i do not want to engage right now... it is better for me if i don't.
like you val, i have always taken care of everything financial/paperwork and have been frustrated by her lack of effort to figure things out herself throughout this whole process. she will go the easiest route (asking me.)
i have never been good at setting boundaries and am trying to figure out where/how to right now and it is hard bc there are so many emotions involved. i want to set a boundary but don't want to show her how much i still feel.
thanks for the support, sweet friends.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I know in those moments that my head is still looking for some way to turn this around.. as if i have any control... and then my co-d behaviors gain power... a wicked cycle. 