anyone out there care to tell me "you can do this"? today?
this is all so personal & icky- but since none of you even know me- what the heck... it's seeming to me an unsolvable problem (ever)
I just reread chapter on mlc in mwd book - i hear it - i am wierdly calm and today thinking perhaps i've "fought the good fight" and should just let it all fall thru the cracks and give it up.
i'm not "ready" mentally or financially. i don't even care about that... this morning. i'm just feeling at a total loss. she says don't pursue- then i read the sexual disenchantment part about women want to talk & feel connected in order to desire h - - whereas men want to feel desirable & touched in order to feel connected & talk. i think it's reasonable- i see the opposite way the sexes work. it's all so crazy for one person to have to try and manage on their own - untwangling something so deadly as a mlc & "at-odds" sex life as well.
i wonder if i (personally) can get myself to even attempt to breach this gap - OR IF when she says in mlc chapter - DO NOT PURSUE i should not even "go there" (yet?) . it's a stumper. the ed he experienced - ( i think) - was result of guilt (as well as longevity of relationship) - he said don't worry, it's no big deal. but i think in fact, it was a huge deal...
i'd say that is what impelled him into a serious ea (my opinion)
how to ever (now that i almost hate him alot of the time) figure out how to motivate myself to attempt to somehow encourage him without pursuing - ... (tho - probably jumping gun here - but I'd stake my life on it(sex) being "the thing" holding him in ow r.???? his fear of inability for "rest of his life" with me. wtf..??? she says we have to wait for them to change their minds about us- and the r and l - BUT , i honestly wonder if his fear will FOREVER scare him out of ever ever ever even going there again - but now that i'm saying it "out loud" to you - this would obviously be what she describes as the was "changing their mind" about us - do they think they're attracted and feel attracted.
i am 62 (in a few weeks) - i'm definitely not bad for my age- i'm not a movie star tho. I could wear a bikini and not have people screaming in pain - BUT i have a wrinkle or two-
i know- it's impossible sounding isn't it??? i fall back and do not in any way pursue or chase him. in my mind tho- i wonder if this one stupid thing (very big - but small -( know what i mean) part of this r is what is really at the root of alot of the "disenchantment" he's got . ??? i get it that for him to feel "unable" probably shakes his ego-confidence down to the roots of his hair.
which came first? the chicken or the egg- who the heck knows.
just mulling over my GIANT DELIMMA & fiasco-stinky life with this mlc stuff - i've been "enlightened" about what is going on with not-h and his life since july of 2011 - i mean full disclosure - (it feels like fifty years at least). it MAKES ME feel like i am 100 yrs old - unappealing - unappreciated - lousy company- ocd about my stupid family & mother - and alot of other crappy things.
Me- i think i'm not so bad. about as good or bad as anyone else- better than alot- and pretty much "what's not to like".
i know- wah wah nero- quit being a pity sponge. since you guys out there now know almost entirely the good and bad about me - moreso than any other human beings alive- i'm throwing it out there. ya can't divorce me - well, you certainly can avoid me-
anyone in particular have anything in particular to say?
