Is it humanly possible to drop the rope?

[AntoniaB]

To put it another way, in the "before", I just lived. I didn't really think about things so much. I worked, I had vacation, I did fun things, I did annoying things. Now I live, but I live with this whole sense of "can I do this without him", "can I enjoy this without him", "what's the next hurdle I have to face alone because I can't find a replacement for him or my marriage?" And on top of that the very oppressive feeling that I will be facing everything alone for the rest of my life because I have zero belief that I will ever be able to love anyone so completely ever again.

What I mean is my life didn't feel like an exam or test "before." Now it feels like a test every single day. And yeah, pretty much every day I "pass." But I'm sick to death of the pressure. And maybe I hold the rope to him because I think that if he would JUST come out of this, and if we could JUST reconcile, the pressure on me would end.