Is it humanly possible to drop the rope?

[AntoniaB]

Having read AJ's, Beatrice's, and Lois's posts, I have a new angle I want to throw out there if I can even articulate it. It's so hard sometimes to say what I feel!

Number one is that no one but the people on this board seem to "get" or "understand" the enormity of this kind of situation, at least in my case. I know some of you have friends or family who have had terrible traumas or terminal illnesses to deal with. I've never met anyone in person who has faced anything like that. Perhaps that has to do with the fact that most people I meet are 18-21. But still, even my entire family and extended family...no similar experience.

Number two. Lots of people break up and lots of marriages end, but not for THIS reason. The LBS's on this board represent a MINISCULE number of people in the world.

Number three. Because of those reasons, my brain and heart are STILL fighting to accept it's real. I'm STILL in a "say it isn't so" mode. Why? Because this kind of thing just doesn't happen to other people in my life. Ever. Just me. There is a level of unreality to all of it.

I think we all hear of or know people who lose spouses to an untimely illness or freak accident. And we watch them move through it and find closure on some level. But probably very few of us can name anyone who has lost a spouse to this bizarre form of insanity which isn't even recognized as a form of insanity by people outside "us." How can we find closure when we have so few models of people who do? Our models exist on this board.

THANK GOODNESS for this board, but still, like I said, I think my mind is still fighting against the facts. Sort of "this can't happen to me, why do I deserve this, etc." The part of me that clings to those thoughts is the part that is insistent that he get himself better and come out of this.

I mean think about it. Lots of people in the world have lots of traumas to deal with. Some people lose a spouse through car accidents. My close friend lost her spouse when he had a massive heart attack and there was no warning. They have to learn to have "a life before" and "a life after." But they seem to be put into their situations by freak chance. In our situations there is a living, breathing person choosing to destroy themselves as they and we knew them and our entire lives and futures with them. Some who come out of it will claim they didn't feel in control of themselves, but come on. After several years of this, they ARE in control of their choices. And they are choosing horribly, and we are the recipients of their madness (and their children too).

I guess what I'm getting at is that I do feel often that what we have to face may be one of the worst traumas a person can face.

I have run through other "traumatizing" scenarios in my head, things that could happen to me, and seriously, I don't feel anything is as bad as this. To be forced to come up with a whole new life because of one person's insanity is just....insanity.

I see the wisdom in certain fears or problems I conquered. But frankly I loved my life "before." It hurts me to walk away from it. And I do feel like I'm being forced to.