I’ve been reading these forum posts for a few months now and have decided to make myself and my situation known in the hopes that I can get some well thought out input and advice as how to best work to save our marriage. Here's my situation.
Quick synopsis:
W is from overseas. About 3 years ago, she met some friends from her homeland and as the years have gone on, the group of friends has been growing. As she has become closer with her friends, they have begun coming with us on summer camping weekends. Instead of it being a time for our family as it used to be, it has slowly become more about the friends. These friends seem to be nice people, but they also like to drink a lot. Last camping trip resulted in warnings from park rangers on two consecutive nights that we would all be asked to leave if we didn’t quiet down. We have children who are in the middle of all of this as well. I don’t feel comfortable with all the drinking and cursing that our kids get to witness. It’s not a family vacation anymore. Voiced this to W and was told I was critical and not accepting.
W’s girlfriends started getting together at clubs for drinks. It started out as nights out with them only and W would return at 1am or so. Then it turned into 3am. Then it turned into staying over at a friend’s place. Once she came home drunk at 630am. Often the girls would bring spouses/fiancees/boyfriends. I never went because I am not a party boy and I was watching our kids.
One person that likes to go out with the friends is a single guy. No girlfriend with him that I have ever seen. He’s been on the camping trips too. Don’t know him well at all.
Long story short... I started becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the time that he spent with W. He has a kid same age/gender as ours. Play dates and sleepovers for the kids would happen. Instead of dropping them off and leaving, they hang out and talk for a couple/few hours or so. I am NEVER around when this happens. I have NEVER dropped off/picked up kids at all. It ALL happens when I am out of town on business.
I had started feeling disconnected from W this summer. Like we were beginning to travel different paths. I told my W that I thought she was unhappy this summer. In doing so, I think I started a brush fire. Pushed her to see a marriage counselor with me. Told her I didn’t feel comfortable about this guy. Dug into email and phone records. Pushed and talked more. Talked to family. Talked to friends. In short EVERYTHING I should not have done.
Fast forward.
W now says ILYBNILWY. Told me she feels trapped. If we didn’t have kids, would ask for a separation. Our marriage has ALWAYS been a bad one. Feels nothing inside for me. Doesn’t see a fix. Has been to counseling with me but no help. Parties more than ever before. Gets drunk when partying. Spends lots of money on new wardrobe. Wants to hang with a younger crowd...
I’ve seen a counselor since August working on jealousy issues. Doing MUCH better. I read DR. Been giving space as much as I know how. She doesn’t tell me what she’s doing or where she’s been except on rare occcasions. She texts but usually just logistics. Will call rarely. Will email. When I’m out of town, for up to two weeks at a time, I hardly hear from her. We DO speak at home. Been in separate BR since November.
She accuses me of violating her trust by digging. Will ask me where I have been when I’m being mysterious. I can’t pose the same question to her. Gets uptight even if I say “Hey! What have you been up to/doing?”
Obviously, I’m trying to do what I can to pull us back together.
Seems to me like I’ve got a MLC on my hands. Trying to avoid having a WAW too.
There HAVE been glimpses of hope, but I’m really struggling here. What I am hoping to do is STOP talking to ANYONE except you guys. I need people to talk to about this, but I can’t talk to friends or family. W says it puts more distance between us cause she feels I am rigging a jury.
Can you guys help me out here? Thanks.
As time runs along, I'll post more to fill in blanks and bring you up to date on my latest experiences. There is NO WAY I can do this in one post.
