Well, I'll do some journaling...my days have recently started to get longer and not in a fun way. I had been using a carpool to get to work for the past few years but the guy just moved on to another job and I have begun taking the bus. Seemingly not a big deal but this city's public transportation system is terrible and there are no subways. It takes me 3 buses and 2 hours one way. Heading out a 6am is not fun...this is important as it was one of the issues my XW had - me not driving so she had to do all of it, for years. When one has someone else doing it, whatever "it" is, well, it's easy to not "see" it. I never want to "not see" anything again.
Anyway, I am working on it, my road test is coming up soon.
Another cool thing, I have for some time been connected with a scientist/science writer that has her own blog and writes for Psychology Today. She and her husband went through all this, being married, getting divorced, connected with others for a few years, then reconnecting and remarrying each other. She has a blog that writes about all this and she's writing a book. She's asked if I could be an advanced reader prior to publication. Pretty cool. She has really shared her life with me directly and via her blog on PT.
I really don't like the city I live in. It's not my type of city. It's pretty much split into two areas: downtown where it's all rough and the outer limits where all the residential is beautiful and safe and with big, awesome gym's but all residential...there's a small part of downtown that's made for the tourists that's beautiful but people don't really live there. My kind of city is one where there are main streets with deli's and really good bakery's and coffee shops and awesome book stores and beautiful parks. The city I came from was like that. I really changed my life to come down here. Don't get me wrong, like I said, it was an amazing journey with a connection to a person like nothing else AND on top of that I learned that an awesome love and connection is NOT enough! If you don't live your own life to it's fullest it doesn't matter what you have with a partner...
A lot of people say it's all about what you bring to the table. And it is, but it's all about what you bring to your own table first, way before what you put on the relationship table.
These past months have at times been horrible but I also have realized how lucky I am. By taking the bus these past couple days I have seen people that are not well off at all, in any way. They live is really run down areas and are seemingly low income. I don't want to sound stuck up - I'm just saying that we have to realize how lucky we are - it's very easy to overlook so many parts of our lives that are going well. This is just an extension of being aware of your life when in love. Don't take it for granted. Don't just go about your day like nothing has to be done because you already have what you want. It took a lot of work to get what I wanted - I needed to put in at least that amount of work from time to time to ensure things stayed good. I didn't, because I didn't know. I do now. Anyway, I earn a good salary, have great benefits, live in a safe, beautiful area, and can take vacations to L.A. to have a coffee on Sunset Blvd surrounded by the Hollywood hills when I want - I am very lucky.
And when I find love again, whomever that may be with, I will work hard not to forget all I am learning.
Feeling better today. I was in need of something recently, having nothing to do with all this, just something very practical in every day life and thought I was going to have to figure it all out on my own. Then someone offered to help, just out of the blue, I didn't ask for help or expect it, but they offered and I accepted. It made certain parts of my day much, much easier. Doesn't really matter what it was - just that someone saw and offered and got nothing out of it themselves. That helps becuase it reminds me to pay it forward - and I do whenever I can. I have been going up and down for the last few weeks. Been talking a lot with my sister and she and I have become very close - she also is going through some relationship issues, no marriage/divorce stuff, but she does love someone with whom she was in a long term relationship with and hopes for something again with him. They are close, talk everyday, but he currently doesn't want to go passed where they are now. We'll see.
Anyway, I'm noticing that there's a bit of a shift in the balance of things. I still have my ex on my mind, and always will no matter what happens, but I also see that the new goals I have made for myself and have been making strides on are taking up more of my thought time. Before it was probably 90/10 for her. Now it's getting around 70/30, and I see it continuing towards more of a balance. I had some neediness after the separation and D but I have left that at the curb - not only did she not like it, I didn't like it. It wasn't me and I didn't recognize myself when I did it.
Keeping up making new friends, gaining weight, working out, standing out at work, connecting with my family, and helping others when I can. Getting really close to getting my drivers license also - the freedom that will give me...
Needed to journal a bit...thx for taking the time to read...
KD, are you still around? I went back a re-read some of my posts and came across this was from you:
"No matter how much you indicate you loved X2 and how she was your soul mate, you once again reverted to being more committed to your own self interest than your X2."
I'm sure somewhere in the thread we may have hit on this deeper but I couldn't find it.
If you can expand I'd appreciate it. How was it that what I did, meaning disconnecting and disengaging, was being committed to my self interest?
I need to understand this. I think what you mean is that because I didn't want to deal with the stress, and chose to disengage, which in turn made my X2 very, very, sad, that I was choosing myself over her? I think that's what you mean...
You have pointed to the effects, what you need to figure out is YOUR "why".
It is your pattern and there's a reason for it.
Now SBT does not deal with the "why". It deals with "know and choose differently next time".
Using SBT (DBing) means that the next time you feel you need to disengage, recognize that pattern and choose not to disengage. Or more likely, as you practice this, you will notice that you disengaged and then choose to re-engage. Eventually, you will notice it soon enough that you will simply not disengage.
Of course, that is in regards to anything from this point forward. This may or may not involve X2 (nor X1), rather it will be with ANY relationship.
It may or may not be valuable for you to understand "why" you disengage. Yet it could be valuable because your reason to disengage may also be reason for other behaviours in you that might be negative. So knowing the "why" and working through what ever that is... could be very valuable.
Ya, I think I do need to figure out the why. I think it may be affecting other things in my life. You are 100% spot on when you refer to the aspect of putting aside the why, at least for now, and simply recognizing when I have, or am about to, disengage and choose not to. This is what I have been doing for sometime now. I see it clear as day when it is happening. It's almost like I am outside myself looking at me. I say, "hey, back up there for a minute, hold off on that instinctual response, and think about it for a second. Is this really what you want to do? Is this really who you want to be?" Then I choose to re-engage. Whether it is accepting something offered to me (when before I would choose to presume that they really would rather not to do what they were offering) or if it's about me not allowing the sadness I have take over. I accept it, I am sad sometimes, it hurts sometimes, my heart was hurting today, but I went out with friends and played soccer and watched football anyway.
But, yes, I need to understand the "why". It will help me recognize more things that I am still not seeing. I can't do this again with the next woman, whomever that may be, I can't have an X3 due to this same issue...another issue, perhaps, but not this issue.
Well, today is going to be interesting and most likely painful to a degree. I really, REALLY, don't want to do this but it had to happen at some point, I just didn't know how or when. Now I know. My ex-step daughter texted me yesterday inviting me to her school to watch the play she is in. I'm actually very surprised as she has made very few attempts to contact or see me since I moved out. Anyway, I'll be heading there in a couple hours and obv her mom, my ex, will be there and will be there with the guy she is now seeing. It's going to be tough, it's going to hurt, but I know it's just another step on the path. It's also really cool my ex-step daughter invited me although very surprising as well. Give me strength.
