they are crazy as bed bugs. my h lies and lies and i don't even know if he remembers what he says - which means he doesn't even see people as worthy of honesty. i mean- wtf
he's jacked people around and been a narcissistic jerk forever- it wasn't directed to me- i thought it never would be.
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It does hurt me when my H lies, but not like it used to. Plus, I've stopped taking it personally. I've seen him lie to others, know he lies to others.
you sayng that just now- little lite bulb over head here. i always take it incredibly (cripplingly ) personally. i never thought what you just said- that he does it to every one. that it's not a personal stab at me. it felt like it-
wonder if i can get to the place you are at- and it won't hurt so much. i think of myself as a person whose always the one left standing (tho i appear fruitie sometimes- i think inside i've got the iiron rod. even if i dither or don't decide- i've always thought i could butch my way thru anything.
this business of being sick, him going down to ow - this one sister i was close to being a jackass and totally crap_ing on my head (called with another "order" today and hung up on me because i said i couldn't drop what i was doing and run to my mom's rite that moment! for a stinkng pill that i don't think she should be taking btw) -it's all a bit much all of a sudden
watching my mom being so weak & sick- wondering if it would kill her or not(?) very wierd- but she's 88 - mean- could...
anyway- i crossed over some point there- the sheer crap from so many angles-
maybe i'll get "better" now. fingers crossed.
this h of mine wants to play house like it's all fine when he's here- then just disappear out of my life (what? my feelings - don't exist or aren't worth consideration donja know) and have his "other - better" life - wtf
he is a teenage jerk- he is crazy and also crazy
i'm a nice rock- but it was really really nice to have a backup rock. maybe because my dad died and we were sort of floundering around a bit- tho my mom was a great "rock" - i'm a bit insecure. i always think i can handle anything- but sometimes i am emotionally "laid low" and realize i need help - of one sort or another. i always hope knowing my weaknesses is some kind of strength. fingers crossed-
thanks for writing- i like feeling like i have some friends out there and much as it pains me to think of ANYONE else in the universe feeling this all - it's soooo comforting to know i'm saying it to people who do , in fact, know exactly what i'm feeling and thnking and saying. sanity central
