boy, do i ever agree totally with your assessment. the first husband- yes, i did find myself thinking "is this all there is and will ever be?" i have my committment issues too (this h as well). he didn't beat me or anything- but i found the violence - however minor- to be a really bad portent of things to come. but i did feel alot for that ex-guy - first love, etc - when i realized what i was feeling for new person might be love = that is what pushed me to move out and take a chance on new person. it was scary- i was poor & young - but the thought of using him was soooo ratty. we just knew each other in office- no giant flaming affair and promises, etc. (hey- and my ex even owned a gun - yikes!!!)
and it was easier for my heart to have someone waiting in the wings. BUT - i don't think it took away the awfulness of having to deliver such a blow to another human being. it's awful- i'm a woman that spends her existence trying to make everyone happy and fix eveerything in the universe. it was bad to feel i was teh "bad" guy - i cried the whole time i packed up and left him most of the furniture just because i felt so badly for him. now i know myself what it feels like first hand to have your life pulled out from under your feet.
i feel ashamed - but it had to happen in the end, i guess. i wasn't gong to wait around for the jealousy & alcohol and rage to "get me" for real. he was not "fair" in life to me - I was so young and trusting and deluded really about life & love - oh well- when i think of my current sitch & the lies & cheating - for how long? i think i'm most distressed by fact he didn't even see me as a person worthy of honesty & knowing he was feeling treasonous - he should have walked out years ago if this was all how he felt- if he had guts that is or decency- why make me the jerk for soooo long?
anyway-mlc - i know- it's allll so convoluted and confusing and unfair and out of this world- most days i do not even know where to begin to find the "way" - i float along one more day hoping some wisdom comes along and seeps into my head.
I hope you are rite about the memories. i'd say we had as good a r and sitch as anyone would have a right to expect from life. this has taken me by surprise. i always believed love would heal anything that could come along- we'll see. i may be still too romantic and optimistic. seems like life would be awful without any hope or optimism- but i might be nuts.
i used to be mad crazy in love with this man. i am not sure now what i feel for this not-h guy. he is someone i do not know- he surely is not the sweet man i fell in love with.
when he changed over- i am not sure. i'm not sure of anything anymore. i want my certainty back- and my life also please.
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And I can't help but feel like these men who have affairs are affected by the fact that their wives keep standing even though they are acting cr&ppy. Somewhere in their mind, they know no one else would do that for them. But that's bad too, because they have no incentive to stop the behavior. It's a confusing mess for sure.
OH CRIPES - i've thought this over a million or two times. exactly- EXACTLY- what is there to make it stop? if I am "still standing" thru it all- then the assumption is that i'm just a happy & stupid doormat that will be there for eternity to wipe one's feet on. if i leave - then i'm the one that couldn't hack it when the chips were down. the unhappiest part is this- i cannot even fathom what is in his head & heart- i used to think i knew and knew him. to find i don't know him at all (and i mean AT ALL) AND then to try and figure out what's up with him and what's up with me - well, it's impossible. i'm soooo not used to feeling sooo powerless. well, when my sister died and my dad died (alcohol & cancer) i did know the feeling of watching that slow train wreck and being powerless. maybe this is like tht-
he is going to crash & burn and i'm going to watch and bleed and be unable to stop or fix or save. wah wah huh.
i hate to know i still care about him and still think we're "rite for each other" (oh God- don't i sound like simpering wreck?) yet- i don't feel love and desire for him. ( well, there is the desire to flatten him and hear him vocalize some suffering (never gonna happen tho). i want what i had back- i don't feel lke i did tho, i don't know what i want- but i sure want it badly....
it's just a giant sh_t tornado spinning over my head. wonder what will fly out next - wonder if i'll be dead or alive when it passes - just don't know anything.
EXCEPT - glad i found all you guys out there - and this forum - maybe it saved my sanity. ta da -
slightly damaged but still standing so far... woo hoo thanks for note.
