Neither do I. I can't do it. I feel pressured by some friends (male and female) and brothers and sister to get out there. They were always seemingly on her side until she gave up on the M. W is so angry and cruel to me I think they just want me feeling good about myself. I do in so many ways but there has been zero progress to here.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
The way I interpret what the doctor meant is whenever a person tries to stop smoking it can test the nervous system and to choose to do it ATM could put more stress on you. He apparently thought you would have better results to wait until this crisis has passed.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Neither do I. I can't do it. I feel pressured by some friends (male and female) and brothers and sister to get out there. They were always seemingly on her side until she gave up on the M. W is so angry and cruel to me I think they just want me feeling good about myself. I do in so many ways but there has been zero progress to here.
That's true...friends just want you to feel better as quickly as possible and their typical advice is to leave. At this point, all of my family and friends are telling me to start dating (granted, it's been 2 years since BD and court appearances have started).
In my case, I struggle with it because at this point, all my needs are really being met by my W...it's just that she won't stop the D. In your case, I'm make sure you get all your own stuff addressed before considering seeing someone, regardless where your M is. And telling yourself it's just fun and not a R is just you justifying it to yourself...
you are all right. Inside I can’t do it. I am not there. I am so blessed with really close family and friends, they do not want to see me hurting. Re; smoking, I am certain that is what my Doc meant. He is so conservative and straight. I picked up on his meaning, was just a little surprised. I do like the attention of women, but I can't. It makes me feel good, but could not have a R right now. Would not be fair to kids, me or the lady. No matter what W is doing or not doing.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
What is you don't understand about the dating? Can you give me some clarity? I know my reasons for apprehension. Though this is a W who has made it clear since the summer she in no longer my W and has been out there herself. Though I don't know if anything serious or in love. She also made it clear to me to go out there myself. I am lonely in those ways. I do need touch and the warmth but I also know the trouble it can cause. She is still so cold and nasty and critical. I know where it comes from and do feel confident in myself in a lot of ways. She can't hurt me anymore, except maybe financially. She treats me with such disdain which is unjustified quite honestly. It is nice to have the attention of others. Yet, again she did my laundry again today when asked not to but won't look at me or pour a coffee or let me do anything for her. I am about to BBQ some steaks while she is preparing the vegetables and we will have a sit down meal all 4 of us. Ahe also had me get meals for the week, chops ribs etc. I have done the groceries since start of M. We eat dinner as a family lately but nothing is said beyween us and then she will retreat to her room and hibernate. Will not watch a movie with me and the kids or anything. She has not replied to the RE agent about reducing the price of the house....it is listed to high but that is what she is demanding price-wise. She also after 3 months has not submitted her financial statement to her lawyer (neither have I). Does she want to get the ball rolling or not. She is also not contributing fairly to the family expenses per month and just says that is all she has. She is spending beyond her means and I am picking up the slack financially as i have always done throught M. Is this not Cake eating? My GAL's are spending time with kids, baseball with kids, coaching, spending time with brothers, sister and friends, walking dog etc. I am content with all that but a point of intimacy is missing, company of a lady....and not just a f****. I definitely do not want a R with anyone.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I don't understand how one can simultaneously try to save a marriage while entering into another R.
I think the loneliness and longing for connection is akin to what the WAS feels before they WA. They want a quick fix. They want a hit. They're not getting it from "us" so they leave. But the WA did drop the bomb and say they were done, so this has nothing to do with their choices, it has to do with our choices, those who say they'll do anything to fix the marriage.
I think a new R is fine but end the first one first. Work on your R skills. If you want sex, say you just want sex and do that.
I'm not saying your M is fixable or that you should stay or go, just be clear about what you're doing, the consequences and what it is you rally want.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Floyd - I totally get where you are. Remember the hot guy who hit on me at that Xmas party? Huge ego boost! It actually gave me a lot of hope that I was still attractive and would be just fine if my M did end, and I credit that interaction for giving me the courage to detach to the point where I felt it would be ok if H left. So, don't discount the presence of this woman from that standpoint.
I'm afraid I'll have to agree with the prevailing wisdom: tread with caution. I know that I wanted to pursue "hot guy" soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo badly but didn't because my M was still hanging by a thread. It would not have been fair to H or to Hot Guy, even though I was lonely and missing the company of men and all of that.
I suppose that if you made things very clear to this woman - here's where you are in the M, you are not ready for a R, whatever - it might be ok but think about whether your W would flip out if you started dating. I personally think your W is not 100% done. I don't get her flip flopping but from what you say, I just don't think she's done. Dating could help that or hurt that, but probably would push her further away.
My internal rule was that I was going to wait until we were officially S to date. Perhaps you should think about that a little - at what point do you feel comfortable dating?
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Your perspective is important to me as there are differences in our sitches yet so many similarities. I don't think I can pursue other women right now. There are a couple that have expressed interest in me. I had let them know clearly of my sitch. My head just isn't there. Though I am flattered by the attention and ego stroked a bit. My W is strikingly beautiful but I have lost some attraction with the attitude and behaviours. I suppose this is normal and where she is at too. I gotta accept there are dudes all over her. Not sure if there in one "special" one anymore. Could be but I stopped dwelling on that. Curious, why you say my W is not 100% done? We are officially separated but still in same house which has been for sale since end of Nov. She has stated clearly she is done....a position she has held since May. I have not brought up R since beginning of Nov. We don't speak and if we do speak it is about finances and she is nasty about it and not contributing her fair share. She is still overspending. She has started legal process in Oct and got very litigious though not much done since Nov on that front. She has not moved forward to reduce the price of the house to help it sell quicker....it is overpriced and she set the $. She has told the kids in Aug which was very tough for her to do and still reminds them when they ask or get upset that this is the course we are taking.she told her parents at end of Aug which for her was even tougher than telling the kids. She says they are finally accepting it but something tells me that is not true. W made it clear in Aug it was okay for me to date or do what I needed to do to "get over it". Every week I do the shopping and make sure I get her favourite treat just for her (Miss Vickie's salt and vinegar chips) and she never gives them back and always takes them. Yet, she will reject my coffee offering and never pour me one yet do my laundry when we agreed in Aug for her not to do it. I do it too and the kids when i can. i definitely do the lions share of domestic things and responsibilities...i am not exaggerating on this. I catch her sometimes looking at me engaging with the kids especially at dinner. she usually finishes first and then leaves the table without saying anything and hibernates in her room to read, text, catch up on work, do legal/financial stuff for separation. She does not tell us where she is going even if she is with the kids....I have no right to know where she is taking the kids apparently yet she gets curious about where I am with or without the kids and asks them. I have been guilty of that too I must say. There are no hellos, goodbyes, good mornings or good nights anymore. I stopped initiating that in Nov as part of 180. She is so cold and mean. To me she is done. Why do you think maybe not?
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
It just doesn't sound like you're at that point yet Floyd. Of course you want that, and it'd make you feel better in the short term, but do you think it'd help fix your M? I'm all for having fun, some innocent flirting, but dating is a game changer.
Two things bother me in your scenario:
1) Your W has an awful lot of hostility right now but remember, she is looking for justification for leaving the M. She has to demonize you to a point, rewrite history, etc. When you are doing 180s it's hard for her to find that justification, so she lashes out to see if she can find the "old you" in there, to find that justification. My W actually treated me like crap for the better part of a year in order to "get me to leave"....but I'm too stubborn or too stupid
2) Have you given your very best to the M? Do you feel that you have exhausted every avenue? Have you become a man only a fool would leave? Sometimes I have thought of my W's past behavior as a sickness. Would I leave her because of it? It'd be hard, but no, I wouldn't...I'd want her to stick it out for me so I'd do the same. And I'd also want my kids to see that sometimes M is hard, but you don't simply give up.
