Total despair 2

[GH31]

Greetings Suckerpunch,

I am now feeling more and more angry about the situation

Oh brother I remember the anger.

There were times I was so angry I wanted to smash my wife's face with a brick. Especially when she went off and banged OM whilst she was pregnant with our son.

I really don't envy you at all and you have my sincerest compassion.

...how selfish my wife is, the idea that my daughter WILL be effected by this, the fact that W seems to have some money in her pocket and is spending it freely. Gee, I wonder where that came from, considering how I make 5 times more than she does and for some reason my bank account is borderline broke after she decided to leave.

Please don't tell me you're giving her money after she has decided to leave.

Please.

Anything but that.

Stop it today, this minute if that is the case.

I'm just angry about the whole thing. I am angry that she is posting inspirational poems on facebook that make her appear like a battered housewife.

I just wrote this to SM34.

Deactivate your Facebook account without further delay.

You will drive yourself mental.

She brought me a piece of birthday cake lastnight, when she was dropping off D6. I felt like smashing it in her face. That is not a feeling that is normal to me. Therefore, I realize it has to be part of the grieving process....at least I think so...

Mate, you're not going through a very normal situation. But trust me, it's normal to feel anger like you've never felt in your life.

Feel it and don't try stuffing it away or drowning it in medication or booze.

Lately, I have been litterally making a plan in my head. It's not a good plan. It's not a healthy plan. But, for some reason it is something I am consciously planning, even though I know it is wrong.

Why is it wrong?

I have given myself the date of March 1st as my cutoff point. I have told mysyelf that if things don't change for the better, at least a little, then I am going to switch into "mean guy" survival mode.

I'm liking the sound of this.

I will approach my wife, inform her she has 30 days to get to a doctor before I cancel the insurance, tell her she has 30 days to secure her own housing and turn over every existing bill she has. basically, on Feb. 1st I have been planning to toss her out onto the street so she can have a very clear view of what the real world of being single will look like.

Good.

But be very calm, even tempered and sincere when you do this.

Equanimity is the order of the day here.

As of right now, she is footloose and fancy free, and eventually she is going to feel the real sting of her choices. In my mind, as twisted as this seems, 6 months should be long enough for her to make a decision.

I would have to agree.

If not, I will make it for her.....Now, I KNOW this is unhealthy thinking...and keep in mind it iis just "thinking".

I would beg to differ that it's unhealthy thinking.

I have been trying to ratinalize with myself about how wrong it would be to do something like that. I keep asking myself, why am I planning something like that? I realize it has to do with my current feelings of anger. I need to get on top of that....any suggestions?

"DBing" is two things:

1. Do what works.
2. Reject what doesn't work.

Now.

I hear a lot of people here go on about "DBing is for you" and it is, but that's not the reason you came here.

Emblazoned at the bottom of the DivorceBusting homepage are the words "Save Your Marriage".

That's why you came here, right?

I have never, in five years, seen a man win his WAW back by allowing her to completely take the p!ss out of him. Not one has reconciled with his wife by being a supplicating, accommodating, doormat like girlie man. You know this to be so, hence your anger.

There's no need to be mean, nasty, sarcastic or belligerent with your wife. In fact, I would avoid these like the plague.

But you can very firmly, resolutely and without expressing anger enforce your boundaries. And she will respect you for it.

Be strong and hang in there son.

GH31

[swoop]

My anger is peaking!

A mutual friend of ours phoned me saying that she thought there was something I needed to know. Now, I am keeping in mind that this is 3rd party info, and nothing that I didn't expect hearing, but it bothered me just the same.

This friend of ours and my wife met for dinner. There was no talk about our marriage or me. When Friend was getting ready to leave, she asked (pursued I guess, even though it shouldn't reflect on me), "so have you been consiering getting back together at all"? My wife apparently said, "Nope. I am moving forward and not looking back. If he would have made these changes 5 years ago maybe, but it is too late now. My heart is completely closed off to him". That is exactly what she has been stating since day one. However, she also went on to say that she was going to take her insurance test in Feb. and she would be moving out by June when she was financially secure. She said she would have everything in place to move on by then. Then, she expressed the desire to buy a town house. She told me that before as well, which is ASSININE. I had to co-sign on her car loan for crying out loud. How does she think she will finance a 200k mortgage?....anyway....makes me really mad that she is spewing this nonsense. Tonight she is out on a 2 day "birthday party weekend", staying in a hotel, clubbing, fancy dinner. I on the other hand had to check my bank account before buying groceries. The fact that she shoehorned some of our money away before leaving has me furious. SHE should be the one without two nickles to rub together! I have been trying to turn my attitude around all night with no luck.....grrrrr

[eyesopen]

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Is there anything you can do for the anger? Maybe push-ups til you can't lift your arms. Any music that calms you? Reading something other than relationship stuff. Nothing wrong with being angry, just not a good place to be in for too long.

As far what your w said I would try to brush it off. I think some spouses leave without a real plan and some have a plan. Maybe they need to see their plan through before anything will change. Doesn't mean that you are powerless. Be the best you can be and maybe she will start to question that plan. It would seem that she has seen your changes, remember time and patience.

Good luck

[swoop]

Thanks Eyesopen. I decided to Hot tub with D and a buddy. Feel much better now....just have to maintain it. I was just struggling with the feeling of being taken advantage of....most of it I might be exaggerating to support my feelings. I don't know.

I just need to continue DBing as best as I can and try to manage my emotional peaks and valleys. When I get to the point where I want to be, If she leaves, she will be the fool!

[labug]

I'm glad to read this, suckerpunch. I was a bit concerned. Unleashed anger can be a very scary thing and it never solves anything, it usually multiplies your problems. Being a "man" or a "woman" or maybe it's just being an Adult, means being in control of your emotions, not letting them control you.

That being said it doesn't mean you allow others to take advantage of you. You ward that off by having clear boundaries that are stated in a calm way, no vindictiveness, no judgment, no lesson being taught,no resentment.

Knowing your boundaries and being able to set and keep them is important in any R.

[labug]

Have you read Busto's threads? They might be helpful for you. They've helped me.

Bustorama

[sandi2]

The weekend party your W is having (without inviting you) is an example of why you were told to protect yourself.

Why do you continue to be shocked and angered by her actions?

A town house? Sure, why not? If she's going to have a fantasy it might as well be a good one.

[swoop]

Reading it right now, labug. It is very inspiring. Thank you for the link!

[littleGTO]

Hi, suckerpunch,
Just posted on another thread about anger. I am right there w you. Am angry & irritated at my H's actions--moving out & OW in his life. He doesn't understand the pieces he's leaving & how his decisions will impact our children.

I agree you need an outlet for your emotions. I go to the gym frequenty and climb a jacob's ladder until my legs are burning, then get on the bike and spin until I can't breathe. When I'm home & w my kids it's harder b/c I find I have to NOT be around them & let me do extra technology. BUt, each of us has to find whatever works to channel our anger.

I have decided NOT to do anything while I'm in this stage. This too is a decision. I feel this emotion is VERY STRONG and VERY NEGATIVE. You do not want to act on a negative emotion.

That being said if you are ready to calmly enforce some of the boundaries you spoke of then that may help you to detach, which is good for YOU. There is nothing wrong with deadlines. It gives us a point in the future to aim for. You can always reevaluate and change it but it is good for some of us to have.

Hot tubs are good to relax the soul--I'm jumping in "mine" with a glass of wine now!!! commando

[swoop]

Well this morning, D and I are getting ready to get our church on! This is one of my 180's and very helpful to give me perspective on life.

One thing I have been thinking about lately, and I would like some advice on this; is regarding our "separation". Originally when wife dropped the bommb, she asked that we initiate a 3 month trial separation. There were very few, if any, boundaries and no real goals put in place other than we were going to "work on ourselves". With that said, things obviously deteriorated rapidly. In the first part of Feb. the 3 months will be up. I am wondering if I should even address this? And if so, what would I say and how would I even bring it up?