Hang in there I dont think we should be waiting for the day we hate them enough to leave.
i know you're rite about the H word - it's not that i'm a guy to go around hating people. can't think of anyone i really do- t's just such a BIG SATISFACTORY word. i'm looking for the strongest - power-laden - emphatic word i can find. i don't even want indifference- which is the most awful of all. when i think all i inspire is indifference- then i feel it's truly time to clear out. you know me- i fear both deciding i still love this man and deciding i really really do not at all care one bit. at the moment both seem tragic kind of.
see- he's rite that i think in most extreme terms. idk why- i find myself thinking - love me or leave me.
i'm askin you- could you / would you live in a situation where life went back to normal with your h and he got along well enough and was functioning, BUT you could tell his fun and excitement in life came from someone not you? as much as i know day to day life is not loaded with excitement and fun- it is toooo creepy to contemplate a life in close proximity with someone that runs to his secret little texts and e-mails for that.
i think we NEED to live together more and keep in the habit- but i also think his childish behavior of the hidden texts, etc. will be the final straw. like, i can probably forgive infidelity more readily than i can forgive immature-cheesiness, and how it hurts the other guy. i'm very down on cruelty to animals (me).
it says something sooooo bad about this guy. oh well. I know you and others will say he is not intentionally hurting me- i'm just the one getting the fall out. BUT - nope - not going to say it. me just trying to stop the loop i get in.
btw - i find i am not really obsessing so much about what he's doing and so on. i feel a thought flit thru- and i go visit someone - get busy- forget it. want to decorate a little pink sparklie feather-type tree with hearts for valentimes day. WHAT A LAUGH HUH? ME celebrating love and romance. God- i amaze myself sometimes. i'm such a chump - either i'm amazingly resilient or completely fruity.
much like my not knowing if i want to care for him again or hate the sight of his face - i have a sneaking suspicion as much as i want to just wash my hands of love and so on- i also still "believe". oh man..... good girl or get real???? life is full of these giant questions isn't it.? well, my brain and my life are.
i know in my heart if i had a job and was incredibly busy this would be easier- probably you too. we have too much time to think. i'm dragging my feet - enjoying the last days of "freedom" kind of. can't put it better.
i know i drive everyone that knows me nuts- but then, when i stopped working 10 or 15 years ago- i thought the same thing. if i didn't HAVE to work- i could bank every cent and wad up the old savings account. it was a grim outlook - i took the possibly-one chance in life to not work for awhile.
it's been great- up til I got FOGGED IN by this mlc debacle-- im finding i'm back to valuing my time and ability to not get out the door every single day- i guess the contrast of the last couple years of total ennui and inability to get out of my own way , and impending end of freedom - - HAS sparked a new appreciation in me. sad human nature that it takes things like this to make us appreciate what we have/had.
i liked the little job tho, for the week- so i guess either way it will all be good.
Quote:
It stinks that it's seems to be all on us as they flounder through life not really feeling any of the fall out their giving us. But, they have their own grief to deal with, it's just not about us.
here's what's really sad - 75% of me - does not have one drop of faith that this guy will ever be able to get beyond his (i think) guilt-induced ed and ultimately something as stupid as sex (i like it too) will end up being the nail in my coffin. i still believe we love with our brain and EVERYTHING could be fixable if one wanted to.
his mlc, stubbornness & fear will do us both in. can't believe that i can be soooooo optimistic in general about love - and sooooooo un-optimistic about human nature in others. my flaw - how to fix ? is expecting too much from people maybe. (or conversly - having no faith in them anymore). who exactly do i think I am?
well- slept great - 2 little sleeping pills - I did not even want to risk thinking away all nite. i swear- with sleep i am full of power & ability in the morning to face my day & my life and not be fearful. when i don't get it- i am weak and "unable". nite & day
I need to go do some work here- seriously.
thanks for your note- thanks for being there- you sound good today- i hope your day is a good onw.
your words are good to read - i think you're right that somehow - some way we'll end up okay because we have our sound minds. i hope so- I think of my perfectly good sister who just went off some deep end - breakdown- schizophrenia- alcoholism- death- and i think there is a point that some people just "break". the pain, troubles, disappointments, lost love - ka bam. their brain goes off the rails. no one's fault.
it's not a criticism- it's just a limit. i worry that i have a limit and it can be reached as well as her. none of us are soooooo strong & unbreakable (i think) - we are all vulnerable if the right combination of troubles comes along in our life. i don't like being smug - it could have been me. it could still be me - - or alan - our best friend that died in the car crash- ka bam. one minute he's here "having it all" and next - playing a harp up on a cloud. i don't want to forget either.
OH GEEEZ- I WAS laying in bed thnking this morning and wanted to run one thought by you. you keep pondering why your husband doesn't just GO when you say it- and if he thinks he wants it. when i found out about ow, etc.- my very first impulse was RUN - NOW. the THOUGHTS THAT STOP ME - i'm just going to say what pops in my head- not figure it our or dress it up- someting like this keeps me not leaving (could any apply to your H?) :
1) i hate this sitch- but do i just want to "give up" and hand my life over so easliy "without a fight" ??? 2) i look at allllll the "stuff" from 35 years in that fl house- and cannot face even thinking where to begin sorting, packing & moving. (for better or worse)- this is the biggest deterrent. 3) this is my "home" too..(?)(also big) why the heck do i have to go sleep somewhere else and be uncomfortable & somewhere wierd that i don't want to be & no sleep because this jerk is wrecking our lives - 4) I can always walk out tomorrow - when i am absolutely sure beyond a shadow of a doubt... 5) who says HE gets to take my life & home away- i'll go when i'm darn good & ready & not before (well- unless shoved out- then i'll deal with that too) 6) incredible laziness on my part to dislodge my entire life - maybe your h feels some of these things. granted he's the one breaking trust & breaking faith- BUT i was just thinking why i don't just go get lost if i'm so unhappy...SO maybe some kind of insight - maybe totally not. just a thought.
