I think how you are feeling is perfectly normal. This coming October I would have been married 30 years. I have read all sorts of different time schedules for how long it should take to recover, from one month per year to half of the time that you were married.
My time line is very similar to yours as my BD was May 2009. I would never want to be married to my MLC wife. But I think I would still be attracted to the person that I married 30 years ago. I am no longer letting the thoughts control my actions. Getting on living my life without them.
So is the standing part that I am not letting someone else into my heart? Maybe that is what I need to work on. I know I am still not ready to date and go back to pursuit again. When the time is right I will make that change. Not sure when that will be.
Your ex is still in crisis, and the crisis starts long before BD. So to measure what they were, and what could be, by a person in crisis is not correct IMHO. However they must PROVE that by their actions. No one here wants to be in a relationship with someone in crisis.
