Feeling like a victim, bitter, anger, resentment are all normal feelings and I bet everyone on here feels or has felt like this.
But you realise in time that the only true victim in all this is your S (unless you were abusive). He is the innocent party whos life will be affected more than you or W and that is another reason why it is so important for you to learn and bond with him as he has no choice in all this. FWIW this is the part that angers me most now about my sitch and it is not about me anymore. That is why everyone is saying to work on parenting and your S.
A while back I wrote my list of priorities and had 3 in this order:
1. My son (how can I make his life as good as possible) 2. Me (changes, working on me to be the best me I can) 3. Wife (getting my Wife back)
I break these down into activities/goals/180's
I have not even started on 3 as this is mainly the bi-product but occcasionally test the water by trying her LL. But a while back just having a coffee with W was one of my goals under 3. But if I achieve 1 and 2 and 3 never happens I want to be in a position where I am fine with the outcome...and all 3 are dependent on each other.
Some might not do it this way, some might not have a 3 at all, some might only have a 3 (this is DB right?) but these help me stay focussed. Whenever I wobble (feel anger, victim etc), which I often do, I refer back to what I want to achieve out of this process.
With regard to S, W may at first think it is pursuing to ask about him. But provided you stick to it just being about S and you be the best dad you can be then her suspicions will drop. Remember you taking such an interest will be unusual for her and she may well question your motives. That is normal for any 180, me doing the laundry had my W questioning why.
Keep doing the right thing and she will slowly believe your motives. When she does this and sees what a good time you have together and trusts you then she may be open to more time with him. IDK, I have heard of W who withold contact with S to get back at the father but it is usually where the father has been the one to walk out.
Re detaching I have read sitchs here that are years in and the LBS still hasnt detached. I struggle with this but the thing is to not rush it, just keep working on it. It will take a long time. For now communicating about your S is fine provided you are not using it as an excuse to talk to W - she will see through this. You seem to be sticking to Sandis rules in terms of communication but remember the exception is welfare of S....and you have a right to ask about this IMHO.
Re your comment about asking W questions it depends what about, but no e-mails about anything other than S and keep the balance right. You don't want to e-mail her everyday as this will be seen as pursuit. Maybe a couple of times a week to confirm arrangements and then end the message with how is he or hope he is okay? or if he has had an appointment then definately ask how it went if you cant attend with him.
