I send these words out to the whole DB community, thanks!
Journaling: Today I really had a great therapy session with myself. We celebrated my S26 and D19 b-day tonight as a family of 5, no H, and as H was about to leave for work a rush of thoughts hit me hard that made me so mad.
H had said nothing to them about their day, and walked out. Two months ago H thought he was going to stop talking to ea and bought her a card to say she will not be forgotten. He gave ea about $300 over the last month from side job money he normally kept for his tools.
So, I know he knows how to buy cards, NEVER has he ever bought me a card, and D or S were not important enough to buy one for either. I told him I could have used that money ( which we used as back up for yrs) to get D a gift, he said don't get her anything.
As the hurt and anger started to well-up inside me I stopped and realized that I am expecting this monster to act like my h, and it's just not going to happen. He's not my H, he is monster who has taken over h's life and is screwing it up terribly. This not-H is right when he says my H is locked up way deep down in a cage along with his love for this family.
It made me feel so much better to understand this clearly now and not take it all in to destroy me. I would say I gave it maybe a half hour of my thoughts and off I was to get a car wash feeling better. I paid for the deluxe as D and I slid the sun roof inside door open, laid back in our chairs and watched the giant rags slap against the glass, we were childishly amazed!
Long pause: H just called, it's been months since he called me, he talked about work coming up, and asked if i wanted to go to a seminar with him that a friend runs about life, and making the most of it. I paused and he jumped in saying I don't have to, to which I replied, I'll go. I don't want to come off as not willing to be present when he finally has something to say and then be the blame of something bad in the universe.
To Be Continued....
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
