Is it humanly possible to drop the rope?

[AntoniaB]

Thank you, Snodderly, for your reply. The more removed I get from the past, the more I do see certain "dark" elements of my ex that were always there that were strongly outweighed by the good elements. Really what his MLC did was to make the parts of him that were negative sporadically become the sum total of the personality he now shows to the world. People still in contact with both of us describe him as a caricature of the bad elements of his old self.

In my mind, I became a caricature too...in the final years of the marriage I was plagued by indecision and low self-esteem and constant anxiety. I lived in fear all the time. I was not happy and had serious identity issues. The difference between us is that I inwardly fell apart and never would have abandoned the marriage the way he did, or turn to another man. But I know I wasn't the best wife to live with, either.

So I guess I think if I could make such strides and become this whole new person, confronting my demons and such, in 3 years' time, well then so could he. And I get hung up on that, I think.

I guess in the end as long as I'm not saying "no" to possibilities, it's "ok" if I still "stand", because on some level, that's what this is, isn't it, I'm still standing even if I don't necessarily think I should be. It's not fear that holds me back from totally detaching, it's hope that he can turn it around. And honestly sometimes I think even if he turned it around, I have NO CLUE if I'd even be attracted to him anymore or enjoy him anymore. He might really not like the new me either!

Maybe I'm trying to create a definitive "end" before it's time. Maybe some other big fish in the sea will jump in my boat and displace his energy, ha ha. I'm at 3 1/2 years from our initial separation but only 2 years divorced next week, so maybe it's too early to be seeking a resolution to this.

But thanks for your reply, it helps, and if anyone else wants to chime in on this, please do.