Finally approaching the starting line!

[eyesopen]

Well it seems like the d train is full steam ahead, and I feel very good about my efforts since I found this site. A couple minor backslides, all in all a decent job. So if it goes all the way I am blaming all of you. In all honesty after each backslide I have returned to a better place of detachment.

Something else that I thought of is that I used to let little things bother me and I would internalize it. In turn I would act cold and sullen. Since coming across DB and learning how a PMA is so important, I have learned to let the little things bounce of me.

Also "acting as if" and "fake it til ya make it" are truly words to live by. I know in the beginning I would get out with the kids and I would enjoy myself. Although I think that most anyone could tell I wasn't completely present. Recently I have been enjoying the time and the moments more than I ever have. As much as I owe thanks and gratitude for everyone on this board, I owe my children the most credit for keeping me out of the abyss. They used to bring a tear to my eye when I would think about how unfair this is to them, now they bring a tear to my eye when I think about how much I love them. I still have some fears about the potential effects on them. I am dealing with those and I realize nothing is written in stone as far as what "might" happen.

We went rollerblading tonight and out of the blue, a woman commented to me that I seemed like really good dad. It was very nice to hear that. I think before BD, I was a decent dad, nothing special though. I am still not super dad, but I can honestly say that I am proud of the father I am becoming.

Detachment is coming along nicely as well. I am finally chopping at the pedestal that I had my w on. She is not perfect, she is a good mother, a good friend, and a good person. I would still very much want to make our r work, and have a loving, passionate future. On the same hand I am starting to see the attractiveness in other women. A future without my w, is not so daunting anymore. Not ready to persue that yet, so for now, and forever, I am planning on focusing on the r I have with my children.