Still walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

Ok, deep breath!

25 - before I address what you said, I want to report on what my coach told me this am. It's not all that different from what you said above. So here goes:

- He really was very focused on telling me that I need to make the choice to forgive my H if things are ever going to change. He said that my resentments will eventually bubble up to the surface, even if I try to hide them. He said that when you choose to forgive someone, you give up your right to punish them.

- He asked me how I have punished my H and at first I had a hard time answering, but then I thought about it. Well, I leave him out of stuff. For instance, I made a 2013 calendar of the boys, and I did include a page with pictures of me and them, but not a page with him and them. I didn't really have any of him and them but I didn't try very hard either. I make plans for me and the kids without talking to him. I make other decisions unilaterally. And the big one, I punished him by inappropriate texting. (Dr. Jenn Berman, the radio shrink told me this was a big FU to my H and she was right of course).

- He said that it seemed that H does want to R (deep down) but doesn't know quite how to go about it. That he's acting out of hurt/being scared. Coach asked me what I wanted... I said a loving R. Coach asked if I'd ever told that to H. I said yes, and H said that's what he wanted too, "...just not with you." Coach said he longs for it with me in reality.

- Coach said that I am not sure of my own direction and it's not helping matters any.

- He said that if I do not manage these resentments and forgive I will take it all into the next R, OR end up a bitter old woman all alone.

So, now to address you, 25...

Well, it's hard not to feel "justified" in my resentments. I'm not saying "I'm right." I'm just saying... it's hard not to feel resentful. I am resentful. I am angry. I am thankful I have a place to air it out in this board.

I'm at a place right now where I'm learning how to handle all of these emotions. No, I didn't yell and scream at him about the insurance. I was very calm. But yes, I blamed him in my head. He's been less than responsible over the years so I go to an assumption that he hasn't changed. I've done a great job of not blaming him outwardly, but I need to learn to not blame him inwardly - to accept him for who he is, warts and all.

I think I see anything he does through a lens of resentment. There has been so much built up - like a clogged pipe - not much love and goodness can get through, on either side. Plus, because he hasn't responded positively to any of my efforts or good intentions over the past few months, it's made the resentments WORSE. So, even though it hasn't been healthy for me to feel that way, or positive, or productive for any of us, I have to honor my own feelings, feel them, go through them. And I share them here.

So it seems like I'm just one big ball of anger and resentment, with no feelings or good will or love or anything like that. Some days I feel like that. On the other hand, there are things I don't mention... like when he checked in with me and I ended the conversation by saying "thanks for checking in." Or when he offered to make a nice dinner and I said, "Sounds great." Sure, it's small potatoes, but I have continued to make a weak effort, despite all the kvetching that goes on here.

AND NOW... FOR THE REALLY GOOD NEWS....

H just told me on the phone that he was ready to work on it.

[25yearsmlc]

What excellent timing!


Embrace this Regretful...and I have been rooting for you all along and STILL AM.

I have thought "Oh forget this h! He'll never let it go!"

But now, I'm not so sure. And I DO see stuff on your side you MUST work on.

Let's look at this with the best most loving way we/you can.

I mean, why not? You have nothing to lose.

[mamabird]

And now the work REALLY begins...

[mamabird]

Honestly I feel really weird right now. I just spent the last 7 months trying to adjust to the thought of not being married to H, and now all of a sudden I have to adjust back to the thought of staying married to him. It is very confusing... I didn't realize how much I'd actually adapted to the circumstances.

Just saw him for the first time since he's been back from his trip. I don't really know what to think. There was no big hug and kiss or anything like that. Not that I would have really wanted it at this point. I'm just not sure what to do with myself at the moment.

He has confirmed I can come back into the bed... which seems weird too at this point since I have been out of it for so long. This is all very confusing and very sudden.

[scaredsilly]

I know how you feel. I was separated from H for 12 months. When we R, it seemed strange and foreign. I had gotten used to living without him.

It gets better and easier each day. I still enjoy my solitude, too. But he's becoming more familiar to me again.

Hang in there and take it slowly. Give him and yourself patience.

I wish you all the best!

[FloydMan]

This is all good RLA. You will be nervous. You will feel awkward, but from what I have learned about you and read, especially between the lines is that you want this ultimately. But it would be normal to be nervous and feel weird about it. It is a complete turn so it may seem surreal. Embrace it. He has made clear his intention and want now, even though I think those signals were there all along.

[Breakdown]

Regret, I am so happy for you. Not only do you seem to be getting to the center of your own issues, but H is coming around at the same time!

Keep working on you throughout this....I think you are getting there, just don't lose the focus.

[mamabird]

Is this piecing then? My dad is taking the kids to dinner tomorrow, maybe H and I can go out to dinner. Boy, that will be new and different... I am definitely getting used to my solitude and I know I'm going to miss that - going to have to build some more "me" time in...

I put my wedding ring back on. I wonder if he will?

[Breakdown]

Go slow...keep expectations low...listen...

[FloydMan]

I see all good signs. As AS says, keep expectations low. Have a nice dinner and keep it light. No talk of past hurts/angers/resentments.
Don't worry about if he puts his ring on or not. You making that gesture is nice, but also telling him you are committed to trying.
It is okay to have solitude in your M too. I think that is the mistake a lot of us made, not balancing our own GLA's (me time) with our M's/family commitments.