AS said, "I was dying laughing inside, here I was being jealous of them and they were living in separate homes just like us!! So now I look around and wonder if ANYONE is happily married. Broken families, no-sex marriages, affairs, financial problems, is anyone truly happy? Who knows, probably not many."
Yup. We never know just by looking at someone what kind of life he or she has. It's like FB--everyone looks so happy, but what's the truth?
GTO, think of what you're grateful for today. Start with your kids :-) Hugs to you.
Thanks, suckerpunch, bustingout, AS and Tori! I appreciate you all visiting my thread. I sooooo need the extra support right now!
I skipped my GAL last night (didn't go to work post-holiday party), instead went to burn off my stess at the gym. I know, I should have forced myself to go, but there was literally NO ONE going that I was interested in making small talk with (we had a small work group attending).
GAL today was attending 2 of my 3 son's basketball games. Two were at the same time so H was at his (actually he coaches his team). I get A LOT of enjoyment out of watching my sons play sports!
Then S11 & I spent a bit of time trying to make a program for his Mindstorm LEGO robt work--fortunately we were successful--YEAH!
H came to house briefly between bball games.
I know this is going to sound strange but I have always cut H's hair & although he doesn't really have much/any now I have volunteered to continue doing this (for now). It is really interesting how when I did this a month ago I felt a connection--like I was glad just to be able to touch him. Now, I feel like I am cutting a stranger's hair (I don't cut hair for a living, but that's how it feels). That is something I will stop doing when/if he starts dating OW.
Our interactions are informational-only. Kids' schedules & a new part-time job he was considering during his current visiting time w boys. Although I did initiate conversation about what some of my family members were up to during the hair cut, he did not respond or seem interested at all. So...it feels like talking to ...I don't know...a work partner???
Thanks for the GAL ideas. I'll really have to search for old friends who are single---can't think of anyone off the top of my head. And, I didn't grow up around here, so no pre-H friends around.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Interest comments about the haircut. I also used to cut my H's haircut. Starting at the end of April of last yr, when he said he wanted a D, he just let it grow until it looked all shaggy. Then he eventually went to the mall. After that he let it grow again, and when I saw him on New year's Eve, he said the woman from work who has the crush on him (and who wrote that "love" letter I found) had given him a haircut. I said, "she must've been thrilled." He said no, that it had been a friendly thing. I think he said it to test if I'd get upset. I'm glad I don't have to play these games anymore.
GTO, try going to a meetup. They have so many in CT! They have walking meetups, hiking, dining, etc. Think of what you like to do and search for the related meetups.
I've been trying to think of what my "new life/GALs" will/are starting to look like...
1) I like the outdoors--camping w my sons & hiking. H hates both. 2) I love biking. I spin indoors at my gym in winter. Am riding in a cancer fundraiser event this summer-goal 75 miles. 3) I used to play tennis w H alot. I'd like to start playing again this Spring (casually). 4) Am not interested in a new R (unless w H) anytime soon. 5) Make a memory book of MIL (already started). 6) Want to find a meet-up group to meet new people.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Those sound GREAT! Camping is my very favorite. You could say I have a professional interest in it
Get this, today I broke out my remote control car, because I saw the neighbor kid out playing with his. He is about 8. I'm 42. We had a blast racing up and down the street. I visited with his Mom for a bit. all in all, I wasted about an hour. But, I came home with a smile on my face....anything can be GAL. We just need to walk out that door....
Okay, I'm wondering if there is something I need to be doing differently. There has literally been NO change in H's direction, our interactions or any movement back in my direction.
H is still communicating w OW (I'm assuming); still "in love" w her; still waiting for her D to be final (again, I'm assuming), and clearly is not showing any positive signs of wanting to come back home to me/boys.
I have pretty much limited comm about boys. I am detaching--remaining friendly when I'm around him (but definitely not overly). I do try to make myself scarce on weekends when he comes to visit at home (as I feel this is best for ME to detach).
H has been in EA w OW for a year now (maybe longer). Said they've been "in love" since last Jan/Feb. She is in final stages of her D. My H seems completely gone in her direction. It's like she entered the picture (giving him all the WoA I wasn't giving him) and he's never looked back.
And yet all of his decisions have been deliberate and thought out. He started talking about moving out in July & didn't end up moving out until Nov (of course this was stalled due to his M's illness & passing).
At the end Dec he told me he & OW still talked occasionally about a future together (& he wishfully said that a lof of variables had to fall into place for this to happen, but I know that's what he wants as of now).
My biggest sadness is that after 20 years together, 17 married, and 3 children with LOTS of happy memories, is that he doesn't value our M enough to even give it a chance. The fact that a OW is in the picture threw me for a loop. I would have NEVER thought my H was capable of allowing this to happen!
Somehow I know he justifies that he is NOT cheating b/c it is ONLY an EA...yet it is destroying our M just the same (or more).
I want to hang on and have hope. I pray for hope every night. But I also know that God gives us free will & that H may not choose us, so my path may be different going forward. It already is.
For now I choose to GAL/detach/do my 180s and just pray. ANy words of encouragement??? I feel so hopeless at times-really like I just don't see this every turning around.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
though our situations are slightly different,("supposedly" there is no OM in my sitch), the charateristics of our spouses actions are similar. That was one of the things that concerned me with my wife. She doesn't seem to be playing games. She isn't showing conflicting emotions, she isn't responding to most of the DBing I have been doing. She seems very focused on what she wants and that is the direction she is going, PERIOD!...... HOWEVER, there are some threads where the WAS acts like this, expressing total conviction to sep/div and all of a sudden things turn around. The craziest thing I read about is when a WAS literally spins a completely different tale one day and approaches the LBS wanting to work on things. It seems the change of heart can, and usually does, happen almost overnight. I guess we can't see the inner dialogue going on inside of our spouse. There is lots of conflict going on inside of them. They are likely just as confused, if not more, than we are. We as LBS's just have to have faith that what we are doing (DBing, GAL, Detaching, Acting as if) is in fact all that we have control over. No matter what the end result is, if we do it right, we will leave this as better people, with better skills and understanding of relationships and emotions. Hopefully, your H will be smart enough to recognize your changes and benefit from having a wonderful wife such as yourself! If he doesn't, it's HIS loss, not yours. Focus on making yourself the best possible GTO you can be..... "Little GTO...you're really looking fine"....
