It's good to be here

[Mileus]

I've been going crazy for days. Finding this site and DR has been a lifesaver. No changes so far, except for me, but for now, that is enough.

My sitch: WAW39 Me38 D20 S18 S16(Autistic)

We met after she left her abusive Ex almost 14 years ago. We moved in but could not get married because he wouldn't sign divorce papers. It took years. We never actually got married, but we had planned on it this year. (I recently found that that bothered her more than I thought.)

After her mother committed suicide she got very depressed. She got into pain pills and even cheated on me for a guy who could get them for her. It was brief and ended quickly. She got off drugs and is clean.

Life has not been easy. An autistic son, her depression, my son's depression and drug addiction. Plus a teenage daughter. Lately we drifted apart. She said she was sad for her mom, it's been 2.5 years but she still cries once or twice a week thinking about her. I thought I was giving her time to heal by taking care of everything. She just shut down, would do nothing with me. I drifted towards computer games and tv.

A month ago she started staying a few nights a week with a friend, she has a long commute, to save money. Turns out the friend was OM. I felt like an idiot. On Saturday everything came to light and I did everything wrong. I did everything wrong again on Sun, Mon. Now I'm trying to 180.

I have started working out. Eating better. I don't call her all the time. I only respond to her texts. Here are my issues.

She says she loves him and is not "in love" with me. We have had 14 years to try (though we didn't). She wants to be with him. We aren't married so it seems easy for her to leave. Though I'm here with our 3 kids.

She says she loves me. I know I'm not supposed to say it to her, but do I say it back? I have been because she seems hurt if I don't.

She still calls this her home even though she said she would rather be there. I don't want to force her to permanently choose because she will probably just leave, but how do I make her see she can't have both of us? If I ask her to take some of her stuff out, is that going to make it more real and scary or just put her off?

We had sex on Tuesday. That was probably wrong. She's worried I'll tell him. LOL how f'ed up is that? I don't want her to feel I'm not interested. If I push her away, will she come back.

I guess I'm not sure where to start. She wants to be with him more than me, but she isn't convinced she wants to leave me. I know I can't pursue or ask future questions, but how should I act?