This is just my opnion, but I feel that if you question how calm you will be around him, then I wouldn't make an effort to be around him just yet. That sounds like a recipe for disaster. When you interact with your H, you need to be calm, cool and collected. You need to be confident, nice and not all that concerned about how your life is going. You need to be "happily content".
If you feel you need to "show him" how you have changed, then you haven't detached enough. If you HAVE changed, he will see it, regardless of whether you dance around in front of him saying "look at me look at me" or not. You don't need to show him anything. Just be you. He will see that....hear it from mutual friends....family...during brief encounters. Besides, do you think he would expect you to search him out while you were there? It may be much more intriguing for him to know you were there and the fact that you didn't really care much that he was....just something to think about.
suckerpunch , thank you for replying to me. Normally, I would go to our vacation home to stay there (this is like our second home), but this time I’m going with my friend and will stay at her place. You made a valid point, that I’m not completely detached yet. I feel that I’m getting there, but sometimes I have these moments when I feel afraid to even interact with my H. I actually don’t mean that I want to show him new me. I am just trying to understand how to apply DB principles here, in terms of maintaining some kind of contact and not completely going dark. I completely agree that I need to feel confident before I can have any kind of contact. Though, I think that when I feel confident and completely detached, I will not want him back. Sorry, I fell that I have a bit of a mess in my head…
I like the idea that it will make it more intriguing if I just go there and do not care if he is there. It gives me some perspective.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
BrightFuture you are certainly NOT on your own here. Many of us are reading all the threads that we can find time for, to gain insight and knoweldge and experience that may help us in our own sitch. Generally, only the veterans will respond to your posts with actually opinions and things to try, the rest of us may read only or occassionally offer a small post (like this one) just to remind you that we are all here for you! ' YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT ALONE!
It may feel lonely sometimes and I know the feeling of wanting a response, even a line or two, just so yo udon't feel like the whole world is turning against you.
I havent read you whole sitch, but from the last few posts i definitely agree with Suckerpunch. You should be as mysterious as possible! Tell your husband NOTHING! he wants to leave the family, and you have to give him a taste of what that feels like.
We can all safely tell you that the walk away spouse does NOT have the slightest idea what divorce or separation will look like. They often think it is exactly who you are now, where they can come to the house and go as they please, you are still waiting for them, you have not moved on and found someone etc.. They think it will be like this forever, Essentially they think you are the kids will all stay the same, and only HE will move on and found someone he thinks makes him happier.
Show him what divorce look like! We know thats not want you want, but you have to fake it. Be loving and nice to him as you would be with a friend, but don't allow him to get the emotional attention from you that he is used to. Don't tell him what you are up to. Let him stew in his own pile of mess!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
SM34, thank you for your support and words of encouragement. It feels good to know that I’m not alone, and do appreciate even small responses.
My H actually told me to move on with my life. From reading other posts here I know that it is pretty common for WAS to say this. Doesn’t mean that they are not going to freak out when LBS actually starts acting on this. I understand this, but every time I think about my H, I think that this is not going to apply to him. I guess I will have to see…
Originally Posted By: SM34
Show him what divorce look like! We know thats not want you want, but you have to fake it. Be loving and nice to him as you would be with a friend, but don't allow him to get the emotional attention from you that he is used to. Don't tell him what you are up to. Let him stew in his own pile of mess!
Yes, I totally agree. I think that my H doesn’t quite understand how devastating the divorce is going to be, especially considering that he is going to be worth off and will not be able to maintain the same life style. But, I hope that what is going to have a bigger impact for him is not getting the emotional support from me that he is used to. I understand this, but sometimes I just get discouraged. It’s been going on for 6 months now, and I don’t see any signs that he misses it yet. At least he is not showing it.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright: I read your first post, and I have some feedback, since I was in a similar sitch in Jan of last year. 1. First, you said you wanted to end your M about 4 years ago. I assume you want to save it now. That's the goal. Think what happened 4 yrs ago and now (specifics) and what you could do to change those things. 2. Avoid mind reading. He said he's done, but you don't know the real truth. If you DB, at least you will know you did everything you could to save your M, and you will be growing as a person too. 3. The moodiness might mean an A has been going on. Sorry to say this, and I hope it's not true, but that is common behavior of S's who have someone else "waiting in the wings." He gets very defensive when you ask about his calls, etc. It makes me wonder. 4. But regardless of whether there is a current A or not, you may still have a chance bc of the extra time you have before any D papers are filed. 5. GAL--very important. 6. Write down short term goals. 7. Know we're here for you. ((((((((((()))))))))))
Dear BrightFuture, Sorry to not have been following for a while but just read your last posts. I am no expert but I think any sort of snooping and spying for information on my part ended in disaster and shame!! I felt I had not only lost a little of my 'moral advantage' but I also never found out anything that made anything any better. I think you want to know because the secrecy is worse than the worst truth and at least in the open you can address it and cope with it. I think I would leave it, focus on you. I would also avoid meeting your H. You are doing this for you, not to show him. I agree, it is not a game that I enjoy playing. After knowing someone so long why play a game with their emotions. But perhaps treat it not as a game but as a reclaiming of you. Believe the best for your relationship unless you have concrete evidence to the contrary, don't mind read, or interpret facts that could be misinterpreted. Be your lovely self when/ if you meet him but don't meet him to show him how you have changed: he may not notice, he may not care. I would avoid meeting him. Keep him guessing why you got so close but didn't drop by. Have him wondering. If you are right then news will filter back to him. The allure and mystery may be of interest
Good luck and thinking of you
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
Sorry, I was replying to a post a few posts back- hope it is still relevant- about the long phone calls to unknown numbers! (I saw your post on page 2 and didnt make it onto page 3 until after I had posted.) Never alone, Bright, you are never alone!
Me 49y H 52y T23 y M17 y ??EA June 2012 with younger co-worker children 8-12
Tori, yes I was the one ready to walk out 4 years ago. But after some thoughts I realized that I just was making treats to force some changes into our marriage. When I realized that my H took it seriously, I back out immediately, we had a serious conversation and started to patch things up. It was good for some time, but everything went back to the old habits. I think we just didn’t have the right tools to make the things last. I’m more mature in terms of relationship now, and I think we could really make our marriage work, but my H doesn’t believe it any longer.
So far, I have not seen any evidence of a serious A. I think there is something at the beginning stages, I will elaborate in the next post.
He has not filed for D yet, and didn’t even start separating any accounts, credit card, etc. It looks like he thinks that he can keep all financial matters as they are, but wants to start his life over. This doesn’t make sense to me at all. I haven’t filed either, but I’m thinking to separate our business.
Thank you so much for the hugs. I’ve been following your story and get a lot of courage from you. I do hope that your H will wake up soon before he loses you for good.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Mum2three, you are right, snooping is never good. However, sometimes the information is just there. I’m paying our phone bills and even my H’s personal credit card. So, I can see the information. And it seems that he is not trying to hide anything, which sometimes looks stupid. I’ve reading about WAS getting separate phones and credit cards, but it seems it is not the case with my H.
Well, I could not avoid seeing him, see one of my next posts.
Thanks you for your support.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
