Still walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

Ok, deep breath!

25 - before I address what you said, I want to report on what my coach told me this am. It's not all that different from what you said above. So here goes:

- He really was very focused on telling me that I need to make the choice to forgive my H if things are ever going to change. He said that my resentments will eventually bubble up to the surface, even if I try to hide them. He said that when you choose to forgive someone, you give up your right to punish them.

- He asked me how I have punished my H and at first I had a hard time answering, but then I thought about it. Well, I leave him out of stuff. For instance, I made a 2013 calendar of the boys, and I did include a page with pictures of me and them, but not a page with him and them. I didn't really have any of him and them but I didn't try very hard either. I make plans for me and the kids without talking to him. I make other decisions unilaterally. And the big one, I punished him by inappropriate texting. (Dr. Jenn Berman, the radio shrink told me this was a big FU to my H and she was right of course).

- He said that it seemed that H does want to R (deep down) but doesn't know quite how to go about it. That he's acting out of hurt/being scared. Coach asked me what I wanted... I said a loving R. Coach asked if I'd ever told that to H. I said yes, and H said that's what he wanted too, "...just not with you." Coach said he longs for it with me in reality.

- Coach said that I am not sure of my own direction and it's not helping matters any.

- He said that if I do not manage these resentments and forgive I will take it all into the next R, OR end up a bitter old woman all alone.

So, now to address you, 25...

Well, it's hard not to feel "justified" in my resentments. I'm not saying "I'm right." I'm just saying... it's hard not to feel resentful. I am resentful. I am angry. I am thankful I have a place to air it out in this board.

I'm at a place right now where I'm learning how to handle all of these emotions. No, I didn't yell and scream at him about the insurance. I was very calm. But yes, I blamed him in my head. He's been less than responsible over the years so I go to an assumption that he hasn't changed. I've done a great job of not blaming him outwardly, but I need to learn to not blame him inwardly - to accept him for who he is, warts and all.

I think I see anything he does through a lens of resentment. There has been so much built up - like a clogged pipe - not much love and goodness can get through, on either side. Plus, because he hasn't responded positively to any of my efforts or good intentions over the past few months, it's made the resentments WORSE. So, even though it hasn't been healthy for me to feel that way, or positive, or productive for any of us, I have to honor my own feelings, feel them, go through them. And I share them here.

So it seems like I'm just one big ball of anger and resentment, with no feelings or good will or love or anything like that. Some days I feel like that. On the other hand, there are things I don't mention... like when he checked in with me and I ended the conversation by saying "thanks for checking in." Or when he offered to make a nice dinner and I said, "Sounds great." Sure, it's small potatoes, but I have continued to make a weak effort, despite all the kvetching that goes on here.

AND NOW... FOR THE REALLY GOOD NEWS....

H just told me on the phone that he was ready to work on it.