Is it humanly possible to drop the rope?

[AntoniaB]

I haven't posted in ages and my topic is kind of "big" to me and something I've struggled with for a long time, and so I'm starting a new thread. Not even going to post the link to my old one because so much time has passed. Bear with me if it takes me long to explain...I'm kinda wordy ;-)

But my main question that I think I've struggled with now for really 3 years plus is this: is it even humanly possible to drop the rope to the XH or XW in MLC? I mean, 100% drop the rope, sever the emotional tie, NOT meaning you don't love the person anymore, of course, NOT meaning you forget them, but that you STOP having some tiny little sliver of hope that they come out of their MLC, that all the trauma, separation and divorce and aftermath was there for a reason, the reason being that it was to bring you back together sometime in the future as better people?

When I first went to therapy, my therapist identified several well-ingrained "beliefs" in my head. One was monogamy for life, which I held as a belief or goal not because of religion or faith but because it was something I told myself I HAD to believe in, because it was "right", and she helped me to see that I could not punish myself because my spouse broke that promise, that I had to move on and be open to possibilities of relationships with others. I believe now that was something I learned and internalized, and I have now changed that belief system to be open to an intimate relationship with someone else.

There are other "beliefs" I carried very strongly and she really showed me that I could change my beliefs to accomodate a new life for myself.

But the one belief that she said I was most hampered by was my "belief in fairy tale endings", so to speak, my belief that things will always work out in the end, that my XH was this magical being "meant" to be with me for my life, and that when he left, the universe was somehow askew, awry, and that things won't be "right" again until he goes through his crisis and returns.

Now I'm not saying I don't have a great life, I do, and I'm single and very happy with myself and my identity. And I'm not saying that I "need" him on a conscious level. And If I met someone who really clicked with me, where there was instant chemistry, I'd explore a relationship with someone else, most definitely. I already did this last March, when a chance meeting turned into a 6 month relationship with a new person that I have since ended, since I wanted something more than what this person was capable of giving, and I'm happy with that decision and don't have ill will towards that guy. It was a good growing experience.

But what still shackles me, I feel, to this day, and what shows no signs of leaving my head, is the "feeling" that my XH is at some point going to come out of the MLC. Oh he'll come kicking and screaming, of course, and I feel that unless OW dumps him, he'll cling to her like a piece of driftwood in a storm. But I don't think he's happy. Just things I hear. And his friends are starting to turn on him, from what I hear. And his coworkers are finding him incorrigible again. And over Christmas break, he went on a trip to a place that had great meaning for he and I alone, and he didn't take OW, and he posted a picture of this place on his FB wall.

Not sure what to make of that, and I'm not TRYING to make much of that, but regardless, I'd still feel the same even if that hadn't transpired.

I can't drop the rope.

I've felt compelled for a long time to write a novel about he and I. I've never written fiction before, and frankly it's not fiction, it's all real, with names and details changed, but the story is the same. But I feel like I want to write our story because in my own mind, at least, I want to remember him for the person he was for 95% of the marriage, not the evil crazy alien of the last 5%. It's actually making me feel good about him again to think of the early stuff, and to prove to me no I'm not crazy, he WAS a good guy.

And to balance it all, I'm also working on a second novel, one about the trauma and my recovery. So it's not like I'm looking at him or the situation with rose-colored glasses, I'm really seeing it all for what it is. And what I see is that it was IMPORTANT that we broke up, that he ended things, important and vital for MY growth at the very least, that he betray me. So it's like I've come to accept so much of everything.

But I also feel like I can't "close the chapter" on him. And I wonder if that is a bad thing, if it's stunting my growth as a person, if it's holding me back from living my life.

I can't stop thinking optimistically about his chances for redemption. I'm either an optimist or I'm nuts. I mean I see all sorts of exes on this board who never come out of it, who never get their heads right, or if they come out of it a bit, the LBS has moved on and is with someone else and is happy.

I don't feel I want to put energy into "finding" someone else. I'd rather be single and content than in a half-pleasing relationship just for the sake of having a man. I have far too many girlfriends who settle and who are miserable. Most of the time I don't even miss not having a spouse anymore. Being alone is more "normal" to me by far than being coupled.

But like I said, if someone fell into my lap, I'd consider it.

But with that said, I just keep wondering if I'm supposed to be actively trying to drop the rope to him. I pray a lot anymore. I've prayed for years to just give me strength to get through this, to take care of myself. Then I started adding to that that I pray that my XH comes out of his MLC and finds himself. But now I'm starting to wonder should I be praying for help to sever my emotional tie to him? Should I be praying for help to drop the rope? Because no matter how much I grow and change and move on with my life, I am hampered by the gut feeling that this is something that I need to come to terms with.

And that makes me wonder if what I'm trying to do is humanly possible, is it possible to leave that marriage and relationship ENTIRELY in the past, and make a solid wall between it and the present? Or is it always going to be a part of who I am for the rest of my life and I just have to live with that?

For those of you in relationships post-divorce, have you dropped the rope to your exes? Is there any small part of you that ever wishes that you would be reconciled with him or her? Do you just accept that it's human nature to wish for that and then move on with your life anyway?