The last couple days I think I have been switching a gear in regards to grieving. I am now feeling more and more angry about the situation, how selfish my wife is, the idea that my daughter WILL be effected by this, the fact that W seems to have some money in her pocket and is spending it freely. Gee, I wonder where that came from, considering how I make 5 times more than she does and for some reason my bank account is borderline broke after she decided to leave. I'm just angry about the whole thing. I am angry that she is posting inspirational poems on facebook that make her appear like a battered housewife. I am angry that she feels that life will be grand and we will just be happy cordial friends after the divorce or separation. She brought me a piece of birthday cake lastnight, when she was dropping off D6. I felt like smashing it in her face. That is not a feeling that is normal to me. Therefore, I realize it has to be part of the grieving process....at least I think so...
Lately, I have been litterally making a plan in my head. It's not a good plan. It's not a healthy plan. But, for some reason it is something I am consciously planning, even though I know it is wrong. I have given myself the date of March 1st as my cutoff point. I have told mysyelf that if things don't change for the better, at least a little, then I am going to switch into "mean guy" survival mode. I will approach my wife, inform her she has 30 days to get to a doctor before I cancel the insurance, tell her she has 30 days to secure her own housing and turn over every existing bill she has. basically, on Feb. 1st I have been planning to toss her out onto the street so she can have a very clear view of what the real world of being single will look like. As of right now, she is footloose and fancy free, and eventually she is going to feel the real sting of her choices. In my mind, as twisted as this seems, 6 months should be long enough for her to make a decision. If not, I will make it for her.....Now, I KNOW this is unhealthy thinking...and keep in mind it iis just "thinking". I have been trying to ratinalize with myself about how wrong it would be to do something like that. I keep asking myself, why am I planning something like that? I realize it has to do with my current feelings of anger. I need to get on top of that....any suggestions?
