The goal(s) are to fix the finances in an equitable way. A friendly partnership. We each are horrible at budgeting (always have been). The past 7 or so years I've pretty much handled everything (made sure we had money in the accts) which put me in a "one up" power position. Not intentionally. She, respectfully, has no clue of all that. I've asked for help from her throughout the years, yet it always fell on deaf ears. The other goal, for me at least, is for her to see me in a safe / trusting way / more comfortable (for the sake of at least friendship).
More of an answer than you probably wanted... But there ya go.
In case I haven't said this to you in awhile, Thank you Bug! (((((Bug))))). <----- a bug hug.
If you're both horrible at budgeting then it might be worthwhile to look into a mediator. It can also bring the reality of the money situation into focus for both of you.
Did she have strengths in areas which you didn't and carried the load on that? Not everyone is a money person but I think she should be in on the planning and decisions because if you D she is going to have to figure it out.
Safe and trusting, if you decide to work out the budgeting together to you think you can keep things respectful?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
We each know the stark reality of how D will greatly impact us financially. Originally she had many strengths that I did not. I'm a quick learner on practical things. I was / am a hell of a "manny". Still working on cooking. She's got me there. . I want her involved in the process so that she will have the info and ability to take care of herself / the kids when / if the D is filed and finalized.
For the most part I think I can be respectful, she on the other hand will may not due to certain resources I / my family have. She's already on a few occassions yelled at me for coming from a more financially secure lifestyle. Not rich by any means, but comparatively speaking much better off than her family.
The stark reality and actually seeing it on paper with income next to outgo broken down into what it costs just to live can slow things down a bit. I'm not suggesting that this will suddenly make her want to work on the marriage but it may give you both time to calm down even more and be able to work together.
Truthfully, I can't even imagine how I would be in trying to work money stuff out with my H without a third party present. I would want/need someone to keep us on track.
Why do you think she said that about your family? Can you put yourself in her place for a minute?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Shortly after the initial BD we did sit down paper and pencil and looked at everything. Yikes! . Also, she allegedly met with an L, and they narrowed everything down to the penny for us / her and how little $ she would have. So we can do this aspect w/o a 3rd party. We were / are able to pretty much stay on track.
The 2 main things that she has stated throughout the sich in terms of money and anger is 1. I have introduced / afforded her a better life than she ever managed (financially compared to where she came from - our meager savings is more than her parents ever had); and then she won't be able to continue the same lifestyle whereas I will be able to stay the same for the most part. 2. W thinks I will use $ to get what I want legally and be "vindictive". I've tried to reassure her that what we do will be between us and what we have / don't have. I'm not going to cash in stock / accept $ from my parents. And yes, I can easily put myself in her shoes regarding the whole money scenario. Despite knowing what $ I grew up with (my grandfather was very well off / trickle down to my parents), I have generally always been humble. In my early adulthood, I quickly realized $ doesn't define how good someone is based on how much they do or do not have. W knows this.
So I last night, I finished working out / showered and came out for a drink to see all the lights off. Not even a "goodnight" from W. No biggie. This am, W told me she would be unreachable due to work stuff. "ok". Not like I was going to call / text or her anything. Normally haven't, so that was a little strange. The she sends me a few chit chatty texts. The most interesting was her last text that said "Sometimes I miss our old life, looking forward to coming home watching a movie and sharing a bottle of wine.". My internal response...WTF? My actual response, "Yes we did have some good times, including the chick flicks that made us each teary eyed :)".
Guessing it is more of the "pursuit / pull back dance" and minor second guessing of the sich / her outwardly mourning the death of our M.
I got that once or twice, been a month or so. She said "I do kinda miss the way things were" but then she added "But I don't miss you, I'm sorry"
I am NOW starting to see why so many people say "women should come with instruction booklets" lol. I know, I know, not just women.
well, I can tell you this bub, you're getting much more than I am and more than my friends are, so good luck to you. I truly hope things comes out well for you.
Dewayne
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
oh afa I don't know what to say except ((((((((((((((())))))))))))))
its all very confusing isn't it? Best to keep on doing what we are doing, no expectations and putting one foot in front of the other.
((((((( )))))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Andrew, I agree with your statement: "Guessing it is more of the "pursuit / pull back dance" and minor second guessing of the sich / her outwardly mourning the death of our M."
Let her feel whatever she feels and be an observer. Otherwise, this will drive you insane.
Also, $$$ talk can turn things ugly (see my latest post.) People behave in even weirder ways when money is involved. Aim for fairness but always consult with the L or a financial advisor.
Dewayne, Thanks for offering support. WAS should come with an instruction book. Then again, us LBS need one too. At least we have DBing as a general framework.
Busting, appreciate the hugs so much, especially based on how your sich is. I'm tired now; and will post on your thread tomorrow. Until then, remember as parents we can apply DB techniques to our little ones, namely Validate! That and hug them (turning your head to try to hide a tear or two doesn't hurt either). You are a very strong woman. Your kids are fortunate to have you.
Tori, Wow! Love your reply to your H. As far as finances, W and I are talking basic budgeting. No3rd party needed yet.
Recap of my day. W and I have the budget convo. Overall on track, amicable, and definitely tried to promote equality. Sharing and taking her ideas, along with mine.
We did get a little sidetracked. So evidently W and her IC are theorizing that I'm being extra nice and stuffing more anger. I simply replied, nope, I'm being nice to be nice. I'm truly dealing with anger issues better. I did validate her ongoing fears by letting her know I get it and that is be cautious if I were in her shoes. (literally said that). Other side track was the while her unhappy in our previous city vs me being unhappy with our newer home. We essentially moved away from my family and friends to be close to hers; and that a midpoint home would have been better. (i referenced a home that I recently saw online). She sat close to me and shared some home improvement ideas on her IPad / Pinterest. Really cool stuff. Near the end of the convo she became teary eyed. I asked if I could offer help / make a comment. She agreed, Dino told her one of my mantras. "You will be fine". She shook her head in somewhat disbelief. So I genuinely reiterated to that to her. She replied, you say that with tears in your eyes. My response, yes, I'm human and allowed to feel how I want. It wasn't a snarky comment either. I said all of it lovingly, as I meant it. Then i walked away to get ready to leave for the w/e. I think I did it all in a fair and I'm prepared to move forward "single" without having to "act as if". Spent most of the night with my bestfriend. Went to a boat / sports show and then had a late dinner. Overall good time getting out. Now back at the parents. Best friend and Dad each are encouraging me to "get on with it" in the sense of filing and dating. I validated there concerns and thanked them for looking out for me. So there's a theme of many close ones wanting me to start the D. I'm not ready to do that yet. I have started the new book, so far it has offered lots of insight into the WAS inner turmoil. I'm looking for the LBS POV.
That's it for now... Will check tomorrow for opinions on this recap.
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