AS - I was just replying to your thread saying that you were probably right when lawyer called me. Here's that update:
My L contacted hers this morning to inquire about expediting the custody agreement before our next court date to allow for a potential S. Her lawyer responded and said they now propose long term that she gets full custody through the school year with me getting every other weekend only. During summer I would pick up the Wednesday nights. I was completely floored because I never in a million years thought my W would be capable of using the kids against me. This is 100% her just trying to hurt me and is completely counter to what we discussed a few days ago or her idea of us remaining friends after. I called W to ask what was going on and she acted like she hadn't talked with her L today. Said she sent her an e-mail last night but never mentioned anything like that. I don't know if I believe her or not, I can't imagine a L sending that w/o their clients permission and some things she said sounded like lawyer talk and not her normal vocabulary. We talked a little more and I asked her if she really believed this is what's best for kids and she didn't answer. I told her again that I want 50/50 everything because that seems the fairest but I would even go to the 6/8 nights with kids because it did make sense for them to not have to swap houses every other Thursday. I also reiterated to her that I didn't want one of those ugly D's because the biggest losers are the kids. I hope she comes to her senses so we don't spend the next year in court. She is so far away from the woman I remember.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
You called her when this morning I thought you said you were going to not get into those convos.
I know I shouldn't have because it could have went bad but the call from lawyer freaked me out and I had to talk with her to see where her head was. Right or wrong I did feel a little better after we talked.
Last night I had no intention of talking with W about anything but she started conversation. We discussed the custody stuff and were both level headed and I think we're back to the original agreement (but who knows). We talked about assets and she said her L is convinced I'll try to get more and I reassured her (again) that I have absolutely no intention of fighting for more than 50% on anything. I said I understand that she wants out and I don't want to fight over stupid material things and want this to go as easily and quickly as possible. I told her if it were up to me we would settle this whole thing between us and would have it done quickly without all the L expenses. I told her I still care about her and I would never do things to purposely hurt her or make her future harder. I swear it looked like she was about to cry which really surprised me because she's not emotional at all. She then asked me why I've changed my mind on the original plan with regards to separating (original plan was to stay in same house until it sold). I was a little surprised because night before she said she wanted me out of house and out of her life. I told her I can't stand the tension and I'm afraid things will only get worse as D process unfolds and I don't want kids seeing that side of us. She then shocked me again and asked if it was just because fight last night because other than that she thought things were better. I didn't really respond to that statement because I didn't know what to say. You guys know that I've been emotionally all over the place for months and feel like I'm now an actor in my own house. How can she say that after basically attacking everything about me the night before? Maybe she really doesn't understand how much this is hurting me? Her eyes were a little watered so I asked her pretty bluntly if she wants me to move out? She didn't answer and just stared ahead. I asked her if she wanted me to draft anything up to give her a reassurance that she would be financially ok and she didn't respond to that either. I told her I'm really trying my hardest to make this as easy as possible for everyone. She finished convo by saying she has to think about things and she'll give me a proposal soon.
I have no idea what the heck this talk means. She is either really confused or she just can't communicate at all and enjoys mind F'ing me. I didn't linger on it much last night and just had a good night with kids. Our talk really hasn't changed my feelings towards her or S. We'll see how weekend goes after these last couple days, family weekend at indoor water park hotel should be fun.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
The fog is thick for the WAS. She's confused, she's scared, she lashes out. I don't think she's screwing with you, I just think that's where she's at.
My W is much the same. Everything is awesome unless we talk about D or M and then she is immediately defensive and starts spurting crap that makes no sense.
Can I offer some advice? I haven't read your entire sitch but I was in a very similar situation and slowly working it out.
In my opinion you engage to much conversation about D. I use to do that. When W brings up topic my answers would be short "divorce is not the path I want to take" or you already know my stance/take about D. PERIOD. Any more questions I asked her. Then I would leave the room.
I was separated for 6 months moved back and things went to crap after 1 month. It took me 6 months to get things slowly back on track and this wasn't until I did something to change the dynamic as Bond would say.
I signed up for ACOA, I go to IC, and I'm now flying out to EE to do my work.
Can you do your work? Stay out of her sandbox as 25 would say. Only discuss IMPORTANT kids stuff, limit D talks at all, force her to do all work.
I was brought into a mediators office, my W asked to date, had laptop thrown at my head on Thx giving, watched W go out to all hours, sat through months of silent treatment.
You have to change the dynamic brother. How can you do this. Of course detaching is critical. Something I still haven't mastered but getting better at.
I think you're right PON about too much D talk, I don't know why but I can't stop it whenever she brings it up. I guess it's just my need to feel like I know what's going on with my own future. I really need to give that up and just live for today because the future always works itself out. Stupid engineer in me .
I have to say I really do admire you guys that have stuck with it as long as you have. For whatever reason some days I have such a strong feeling of 'fine, if you don't want me then enjoy your life and I'll go enjoy mine' and I've only been doing this since October. I'm putting down the latest Wheel of Time book and I'm going to reread DR this week. My W seems pretty set on going through with this, and I'm ok with that, but I want to make sure if it does happen I have no regrets for moving on. No way I could do this if we didn't have kids. Makes me wonder if I'm doing it for all the right reasons...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
My W seems pretty set on going through with this, and I'm ok with that, but I want to make sure if it does happen I have no regrets for moving on.No way I could do this if we didn't have kids. Makes me wonder if I'm doing it for all the right reasons...
To me, those both go hand in hand. Yes, I think kids up the ante, but regardless, I want to make sure I have no regrets looking back. I hate hearing my parents say crap like "we'd have been married 40 years if we had any sense."
I am just focused on "being a H only a fool would leave" and if I get to that point and W still wants out, well that's her deal. I think that's my internal time table....when I feel like I have become that guy.
Spartan they all seem set on going through with it .
Do you want to save your marriage ?
Gal Work on yourself . Counsel, books , workshops
Do not discuss D. Let her do the work.
Why move out? Then you don't see your kids. Stay and ignore her. DO not react. Tell her you don't condone or support divorce. She has the free will to do what she wants and walk away. Do it in a calm manner.
You need to detach and gal. FOR you. Work on you not to WIN her back for you.
I've been fighting for my marriage for 4 years. We've been in silence since July and we made up this week. It can get better
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