I have been DB'ing for about a month now. I have not done a super job as I fell back a couple of times and said some mean things out of anger. To give you a little background, she has filed for divorce and we still live together. She has been distant and cold the entire time and has been out late at night (perhaps with another man). However, for the last few days she is being very very nice and seems to want to spend time with me. She has not been going out much either.
Is this simply an attempt to salvage a friendship or could it be more? Or could it be an attempt to make the divorce proceeding easier for her?
I don't know what to make of it, but I will keep distancing and GALing until she makes a move.
You said you've been DB'ing for a month, but how long has your sitch been going on? How long has your W been cold and distant? You may be seeing the distance/ pursuit dynamic, once you started DB'ing (and I assume giving her space) then you quit pursuing, so now she's reversed course and is pursuing you. If that is the case then you want to keep DB'ing and maintaining some distance. If you start pursuing her she will go right back to distancing.
Thanks AnotherStander, she told me that she wanted a divorce about six weeks ago, the "cold and distant" stuff started right away. The paperwork came soon after, so I know she was deadly serious. I pursued hard for about two weeks and she got more cold and even nasty. I have been DBing since. The first couple of weeks I slipped up a couple of times and tore into her behaviour; I stated that I was fine with the divorce, but not the rude and disrespectful way I was being treated. Since then I have really been distancing and not discussing anything other than household stuff, but at the same time I have tried to be pleasant and nice. I have also been 180ing big time (for me, not for her). As upset as I am about the divorce, I love the changes I have made for myself! I am assuming she has noticed my 180's too.
I just don't know what to make of her change of attitude in the last few days. I would not say I have expectations, but I am hopeful for the first time in a long time. Anyway, whatever her motives, your advice is good. I will not pursue and maintain distance no matter what!
My wife is the same. That is, she is very nice to me but says she wants a divorce. We have definitely gone through the distance/pursuit dynamic and that roller coaster is no fun. Just keep doing what you are doing and take things slow.
Sandi, why do you say to not have sex. What if she initiates it?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Sandi, why do you say to not have sex. What if she initiates it?
From the OP:
Quote:
She has been distant and cold the entire time and has been out late at night (perhaps with another man).
If there's a PA going on then sex should be stopped because it's allowing cake-eating on the part of the WAS. Also there's a very real risk of contracting VD.
Sandi, why do you say to not have sex. What if she initiates it?
Several reasons. And, I hate to have to tell a newcomer on his first post, but if WAW has been with OM then there is always a chance she might be pregnant. It has happened many times......a woman has sex with OM and learns she is pregnant but she can't M the OM so she gets H to have sex with her....and bingo, he thinks he is the father of new baby.
Then of course the H stands a chance of getting STD if she's been with OM and now she suddenly wants to have sex with H. Please, insist on her getting tested if you believe she's been with anyone else.
Many WAW's tempt the LBH by coming on to him. If they have sex, then she feels she has a certain amount of power over him in the R.....and that he doesn't have the strength to turn her down. After they have sex, she reverts back to her coldness the next day.
Different people have different POV, and it's difficult for a lot of men not to succumb to his WAW who is all nicey-nice. Don't trust her enough to risk your health if she's been with OM. If you don't know "if" she's been with him......don't take chances. No sex is worth that much! Wait it out until you find answers.
That's my opinion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hello. I'm new to the boards but ref the no sex part if she does come onto you suggest the use of a condom? Surely her reaction will tell a thousand words? If she's fine with it don't be fooled and not wear one next time use until your sure your M is back on track.
Good luck
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
"Had": not trying to hijack your thread this was just interesting to me. I can agree with Sandi because I have seen part of it firsthand. When I have had sex with my WAW she did become very distant and cold afterwards. She was sleeping in another room for several days, came back to our bed for a few nights, ML, then left again. Very frustrating. Lesson learned. I am just not sure when to ever give in now. How do you know when you are truly making progress and that it will be OK?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
