Please think of me this weekend as we venture to retrouvaille. I am feeling very anxious about this and have been wondering if this is the right time to go. Regardless of my fears we are leaving tomorrow night.
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
You'll be fine! Take a deep breath and go in with zero expectations. Do not go in expecting this to fix everything because you will unintentionally be applying pressure to your H and it will just lead to disappointment. Look at it as a way to improve communications between the two of you, nothing more. Some people have still ended up divorced after RetroV, but even they said they felt it was beneficial. Our session starts tomorrow as well, and what I describe above is exactly my attitude about it going in.
I'll be thinking and praying for both of you and your spouses this weekend AM and AS. On the jealous/selfish side I'll also pray that my W would at least give this an opportuniity.
Thanks for the tips on 180. I think I have been too ignoring, but mostly as response and conditioning to being ignored. Her attitude and demannds of not wanting me to know where she is or when she will be home even if related to kids. I have not had the time of day from her in 8 months and just sourness and this morning W emails me to know what time I will be home so she could make an appointment on time. I ignored it and did not respond as my inital thought was to be sarcastic, so I just left it. I should note that I did give her this information last night and told the kids, but I could tell she was not paying attention. I know in my heart I did not create this dynamic between us, but now I am contributing to it. My normal response would have been to give her explicit details and time so it is a 180, but maybe a little rude and spiteful because that is what I get. Taster of her own medicine but not sure if that is good, bad or indifferent.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
He thinks he only has 2 options: 1. Stay in the marriage where he will be miserable but the kids will be happy or 2. Leave the marriage hope the kids will be happy because he will be happy. He doesn't realize that there is a 3 rd option of staying and building a new marriage. I mentioned it to him and he that's not an option.
Ouch. That really stings and my W basically told me the same thing this past week (and we went to Retrov in June).
That said, I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Prepare yourself to WORK! As with DB, focus on you, not your H. Try not to have any expectations as they just make it harder. When it comes to the material, try to keep an open mind. You are going to be working on communicating, but you are also going to be working on you big time. There's a lot of self discovery in the initial weekend, but the followup is just as important.
FloydMan, I will pray that your wife has a change of heart soon.
Breakdown, did you see a difference after RetroV? I am definitely prepared to work and hope that H will as well. do you know what triggered you W to say that this past weekend? Was this something that you were shocked by or did you feel that this was inevitable?
H:37 W:37 M:10 years D:7&5 Bomb:9/7/12. H moves out H moved back 12/23/12-not going well Retrouvaille 1/18 H moving out again 3/14
H and I both got a lot out of Retrovaille but I focussed SOLELY on ME and MY WORK and did not
look at h to see "if he's getting it" or "doing HIS work" b/c I knew that was a bad idea and I only controlled me.
But maybe that was a good example for him OR maybe he'd have done his work anyhow, b/c he sure did. I wasn't positive of how much we had benefitted (I knew for sure some of it was helpful)
but on the final day my h had a real breakthru and that itself has helped us for the past 4 years.
Stay in your sandbox and out of his. That's my advice. WE tend to have more of our own work than we think, when we bravely look inside.
Retrovaille will do it's thing. You do not have to help it. In fact it'll make it weird for you both if you try to assist them.
Do YOUR WORK and let them do theirs and him do his...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow....great advice and great for you both! I have heard from others that some very hard to get through to people and people that are doubtful have a brealthrough the second day of the program. I am so happy for you.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
You'll do great. We are with you with love and prayers. Really follow 25yearsmls's advice above. Focus on YOU.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
