Shes the one confused

[PeterP]

Hi!

Its been quite some time since I posted and I figured I would update a bit and perhaps get some feedback.

BD over a year ago. Divorced and ExW is in a new relationship six months in.

My life has its ups and downs but at least I have given up trying to understand my ex. It took time. The thing that helped me stop my over analyzing ended a while ago. It convinced me that the only reason she can continue on is by forgetting and minimizing. Last conversation we had she denied so many things she has said and done that I finally understood, or at least think I do, how these MLCers can cope with what they have done.

Its hopeless having a conversation with ex. The only thing I wished for at this point is that she got it. Just got it. But she doesnt. I have told her that shes welcome to talk to me when she gets some perspective but she doesnt understand what I say to her.

Isnt it crazy?

As for me and D. We are sooo close bc of this that I feel trully blessed as a parent. Without her I dont think I would have coped.

I have read so many people sayingthat we have to have no expectation. Well how could we after all has been said and done. At least in our ex partners minds.

[AJM]

Hi PeterP. Been a long while. There was another thread by GreyMeadow that expressed some of the same things. You may want to have a look. I think it might help to read that.

But you're right, there is no understanding. There may never be understanding. Sometimes there is, silently, and sometimes there is with a "I get it, and I'm sorry" kind of thing. Sometimes it never happens. Can't worry about which is which, but I totally get the feeling that "if I could just reason with..." or "...can't you see how that doesn't make sense!??!" But they don't seem to be able to, PeterP.

Peace,

AJ

[PeterP]

Thanks Aj!

The other day I had a conversation with three of my students. Sixteen year old girls. They had some complaints about one of my colleagues. As I was sitting there listening and thinking about their arguments and the fact that they simply couldnt understand any other point of view then their own my ex popped up. It was a scary realization. I kept thinking for the rest of the conversation that ex is sixteen years old.

These girls will get it eventually bc they mature. Perhaps ex will too. But I wouldnt hold my breath!

[PeterP]

Question!

I had a long conversation with SIL yesterday. Her sister has totally shut her out of her new life and she cant understand why. As much as I have learned I tried to explain to her that her sister cant cope with anyone who doesnt agree with her choises. That even though she lover SIL she cant let anyone stand in her way and that she doesnt want to think about anything else then her new happy life.

If I understand it correctly ( and thats a big if) SIL would be the first person that ex turns to when she slowly starts to get it. SIL was so sad. I told her that a person who goes along with the madness really doesnt help her. That she didnt have to say something to ex just to wait.

Kind of like the advice I have gotten.

This has such an impact on so many lifes its frightening.

At least I have a friend in SIL. Sad thing is that ex has a friend in both of us. She doesnt get that. Hopefully that will change.

Am I on the right track with this? Who knows

[MrBond]

I'm not sure what your question is. Irregardless of what everyone thinks, it's still your W's decision to engage or not. Whether or not she does so is up to her. No amount of speculation matters.

[PeterP]

No amout of speculation matters.

Well, even though I should agree with you because you are right its almost impossible not to. Isnt that what everybody on this site is doing. Speculating or at least trying to come to some sort of acceptance when it comes to behaviors that seem strange according to some sort of norm.

[job]

If your wife has disconnected from her sister, she will eventually reconnect w/her, but as to the timeframe, no one knows. The order of disconnection during mlc will be the exact opposite of what it was when it all began. As to whether the SIL will be first or not, that all will depend upon your wife.

You were correct in stating that your wife will disconnect from those who do not agree w/what she's doing and who know her so well. She will become friends w/much younger people, people who will not judge her nor do they know her history.

Her sister will need to be patient and give her space and not take your wife's actions personally, it's just the way mlc operates and until she can find herself, she will act out and do what she needs to do to figure things out.

[MrBond]

Sure. Of course it's perfectly natural to want to know why things happened. The point is that the only person that knows is the person going through it. And even they may not entirely know why they're doing what they're doing.

[PeterP]

Thanks Snodderly and MrBond!

Snoddely!

The new friends thing is absolutely spot on. Tonight exW is having a party at her place and there isnt a single "old friend" invited. Talk about a compleate change in her life compared to the old one. Its like ticking of a list of behaviour from a list. Dont know if they are younger then her but they are at least new! But Those I know about are superficial and kind of party people.

So she has everything she wanted. New BF, friends, life. Its scarry to think how many changes she has made in a year.

[job]

Peter.
She is pulling away layer by layer of herself to get to the core or inner child. She has to get to that inner child in order to grow up.

Yes, it's scary to see the changes, but there will be more to come as she continues to peel away the "outer" layers.

Hang in there.