Wow what a night at my house last night. I snooped again looked at his phone. Not good. Seems he meet up with the OW (while he was at work I am guessing) and she gave him a BJ (in the parking lot???) I totally lost it, I mean really. Thank God my Sons where not home. I just cannot believe that he can have sex with me one night then turn around and do that with her. He has been so nice and acting like everything was normal. I told him that he is a piece of Sh*( and that he does not care for anyone but himself. He got mad because he said he cares for his kids, blah, blah and I said he didn't because if he did he would not be treating me like this and I hope that they never do this to their wives, because then I have trully failed as a mother. He said oh we going to start that, then rolled over! I lost it, I started hitting him, I mean just fist going, kicking him, screaming I wished he was dead, I hated him! He grabbed me and told me to stop or he was going to make me stop, I just kept screaming to go ahead and hit me, he had his hand in a fist and was pulled back. He stopped and said I was not worth going to jail for and went into bathroom and slammed door, I beat on the door and was screaming (told you I lost it) I don't know what came over me I was so angry and everything just came out. Hurt my hand beating the door so hard! He opened the door was dressed told me he was leaving because I had finally gone nuts, (I think I have). Told me to move away from the door, went into the other room got his gun, came back and got the gun he keeps next to the nightstand, unloaded it and putit back.
I just laughed, said if I was going to shoot him I would have done it a long time ago and he was not worth going to jail for either. Then my son pulled into driveway. He went downstairs and I stayed in the bedroom. I have never been so full of anger in my life. He was here in the morning and is ignoring me, but my boys are home and I am about to go crazy, I don't know what to do. I want to call the OW and tell her to get a room ready and pack all his clothes and throw them in her driveway. WOuld love to see her H reaction to that. H and sons left went to store and I am here alone and not knowing what to do...
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
Just tell him if he cant' respect you and your family enough to be fully honest and committed there's the door.
And let him go.
He is THEN forced to CHOOSE.
This "don't ask dont' tell" thing does not work I'm afraid. First it's chit chat, then eventually one hook up, then another...
He must be committed and transparent or he has to leave.
Stop talking about going to jail and saying he's not worth it. Stop inviting him to punch you for goodness sakes. THAT is not going to improve this situation.
Let me tell you this plain and simple.
It is YOUR JOB to do everything you can to STABILIZE this while maintaining dignity and respect for yourself and your family.
You have every right to confront him.
You have every right to expect 100% commitment.
You inviting him to punch you does not result in you being more respectful or dignified to you or your kids.
Just calmly, quietly, and resolutely TELL him to LEAVE.
Let him know he is NOT welcome in the family home again unless he commits to you AND your kids to be 100% committed and to END ALL CONTACT and BE FULLY TRANSPARENT.
It's great that you confronted him. It's terrible how it went down.
I am so sorry you are hurt, betrayed, deceived, and manipulated. But you have to get a hold of yourself.
Inviting violence into this is NOT an improvement.
Tell him to leave BEFORE it comes to violence. Tell him his behavior and infidelity is toxic to you and the kids. Tell him until that stops he needs to stay away.
Calmly, quietly, and resolutely. And then end the conversation.
Note : do NOT say "it's over" or "we are done" or any of that nonsense. Just tell him infidelity is toxic to you and the children. Until he leaves that OUT of the family and marriage he needs to keep away from the family home.
No grandiose "we are through" or any of that. Just tell him to leave.
Once he's out, and you have your wits about you, then you can organize and plan for long term.
Do NOT say ANYTHING else. Just tell him to leave before this gets violent. Tell him this is HIS toxicity he brought in, and until that ENDS that HE must be GONE.
YOU END the conversation. Do NOT allow him to drag you into an argument.
Nonetheless - it doesn't help YOU when you stoop to his level.
Now - you said you consulted an attorney and he said you wouldn't get alimony? Is that because of your state laws, or because you make as much money as your H?
How much is the debt? Is it such a huge number that bankruptcy is the only way out, or could it be paid off with a concerted household effort a la Dave Ramsey style intensity?
Is anyone else aware of his affair, or would it be a surprise to the kids, family, etc?
Six years is a long time to live with a cheating spouse. I imagine that if you had the means to be financially self sufficient, you wouldn't still be putting up with this? So maybe, for now, just put the focus on your finances - assume that he will be gone soon (he may or may not be, but just make the assumption for now) and face whatever it is you need to face to get your financial situation squared away. Can you get a raise, a better paying job, cut household expenses so that you can start paying off the debt? Are there any marital assets? Imagine if H died tomorrow without life insurance, what would you do - then start doing THAT.
I have gained my respect back, it was nuts to do all that. I just had a little melt down, but I have overcome that. We are basically living as boarders. He tries to make small talk with me, when the kids are home we are fine, when they leave I go to my room. I am doing my best to keep it together until my son graduates from HS. I am also facing my financial situation. This relationship is toxic to me and I am getting out. I am doing my own thing and don't even glance his way anymore. I had an awaking that night and I am finaly doing it and not just wining about my terrible life anymore! He is the one with mental problems.
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
