you were honest but not harsh. you have a kindly delivery so i am not in the least offended.
i avoid all discussion because mwd says don't even try to have r talk- that this will merely push him away immediately rather than allow him to wind his way thru his "thing".
i think both things- that db way is right sounding to me. and i think your comments are good too. i am still trying to apply it and "not go there" about the r and so forth. (discussions, demands, expectations, recriminations)
in past when we "discussed" all this- i did say-" i'm not his mother or friend - i'm not a pal- i'm either his mate or nothin (in my mind). I told him this ow between us will kill it all- (all calmly) - i don't know him anymore - don't know what i feel for him - and don't know what or if this r could be in future and don't know if this new "real" him is someone i even want to know".
beyond that, what is there left to say - really?. he's heard everything i think & feel about it.
i haven't brought it up since then (several months ago)
whatever our r is - totally objectively speaking - he is nicer in past year . so he has improved and i am feeling creative and interested - so i'm improved too. i don't think it "means" anything - don't know if we're growing more apart or more together. sounds dopey- nothing has changed really tho. like the book says- don't get excited over any "ups" - probably for him nothing has changed.
I have stupidly sacraficed instincts & desires of mine in life to be with him- my own choice. he has not- slimball. I made a bad choice - better women than me were seduced by feeling special, love, fun, etc. only a human being here..
total impasse
i am not banking on him being in my life forever anymore- i'm just riding it out in what i think is least intrusive and painful way. maybe i'm just lazy & weak . who the heck knows?
when i listen to and try to "embrace" the db philosophy- i come to the conclusion that nothing i do or think matters. keep clear - give him room - stfu and try to gal. whether he sees it or not- do it anyway.
i'm betwixt and between with thinking (still) that this is a mlc - then waiver - what if i'm mistaken). then i think i've invested soooolong in hanging on thru this awful awful period - it would be a shame to walk out before "the end". BUT THEN- I THINK, IF in fact i'm on the wrong trail- it's been for nothing - BUT THEN i think what difference does that make either? i do not have anything "better" to run to at this moment in time other than (alot more of) lonliness (& poverty (possibly) - the old "do you feel lucky punk?" i am not a gambler really.
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I still don't think you should do anything, don't move or go away, it's your home and you wouldn't want to be considered abandoning it. I think IMHO, you need to set some boundaries w/h because your not M, it's so easy for him to just flow in and out.
i GET what you say- i think/thought that this inability of mine to "act like it's okay" and talk to him while he's in the arms of ow or on his way - was some kind of boundary. i know it's weak & small. i've said to him that " i hate it- i hate that he does it- i'm waiting to wake up and hate him enough to leave". (so that much he knows) he said "that's hard" wtf - he's deluded clearly about him and me and life and everything in the universe.. short of the "get out of my life if you're choosin her" boundary- what would i possibly say or do other than cut off communications if he's with her? he apparently doesn't think his actions are "hard" or he wouldn't have the shame to utter those words. he deserves worse than hard - like slow & painful torture maybe? too bad i'm not that kinda gal- revenge & torture motivated.
talk about life in a novel- he's living in his warped little brain -- even more unreal than me. at least i have you and jane eyre in my corner..!!.
he just sent a little e-mail reminder about a bill i have due - wtf - see, he somehow needs to keep attached before he goes off to be detached- i'm in a sick psycho novel here really- he's flyin over my cuckoo nest...
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, I don't think it's to rub it in, never the less, you should be on a need to know basis about his life to give you the space you need to heal.
so - are you saying you think i should tell him stay away and we need to separate? or just that when he's down there we should have no communications at all? i've thought of it- but remind myself there may be big rammifications. he may hate it- he may love it- the ole crap shoot again that goes along with big actions of that sort. cluck cluck...scratch scratch...
re: sitting down & putting things on table - db says don't go repeating it all over and over. He continues to do what he does- i continue to tell myself to harden up and face the music. this will end sometime- one way or the other way- i cannot do this particular dance forever. i still try to stay away from any confrontation/conversation with him and work on me- my attitude- the things i want to change -
I have a notion if i continue to be who i am- the universe will wham me on the head and i will go off in a new direction. if i don't come to a big decision/action on my own because of a job or love or whatever - I think life will push me.
i know- i sound crazy don't I. even saying it out loud sounds wacky to put your life in the hands of fate (God?) whatever...
i like the dr. seuss quote of:
be who you are- and say what you feel...
those who matter won't mind and those who mind, don't matter.
keeping a good thought. i'm not as devastated as usual - i am wierdly in control of emotions this morning.
determined to do some work- balance a checkbook - see an old friend of fam. at mom's for lunch (this woman is always saving someone- perhaps she'll take over saving mom for a bit - it would be a welcome relief to know she had some company besides me.
so- thank you and drive thru please. i do appreciate your input and welcome it at any time. you don't make me feel judged and criticized- you just put forth your thoughts & kindly inquire. pleasee do so any time-
i know i rant & loop and probably have not said one new thing in the past year- thanks for participating with me-
i hope your day is a good one- how are you and what are yout hinking. are you still in crisis mode? have you managed to take a step back?
is the lite still on?????? or are we loading up our dinghies for a quick escape? curious - are ya okay?
xxoo ((( ))) some day- when this is allllover and we laugh about it - we need to meet up for that glass of wine - or maybe a bagel and coffee- whatever. a fun thought. -
