Soul.Searching my way back.

[Soul.Searching]

" Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about screaming with the thunder, running with the lightning, and learning to dance in the rain. "


After a lot of thought and trying to tell myself different, I realized that maybe,.. Just maybe I'm not done.
I love H and as hard as it is and even though I haven't been doing the best job of it, I'm not intending on sitting around waiting for him.

I have a lot of work to do on me. If H and I were to ever R, I know it would not be any time soon. He has a lot of work to do and hoops to jump through if he ever wanted to be back with me. I feel and fear, he is digging his hole deeper and deeper. The deeper he gets, the less chance I feel there will be any hope.

I don't hold much hope at all but I've been trying to deny there is any but deep down I know there is. I don't know how long it will last. I do know that I can not sit around and wait.

Right now I'm not ready to date but when I am,.,. Who knows who it will be.

I so want to let him go and detach, which I have done towards him but not inwardly. I still feel it all. It hurts,...

He called today, still keeps telling me I can call him to just talk sometimes or if I need someone to be there for me. I can't do it though.
It would feel like a EA,... I know some here hope for that but to me, I doesn't feel right. I have always had high morals when it comes to cheating and I'd feel like I let myself down.

Pretty sad when someone can be/ feel like OW to their own husband. I'm worth more than that. I'm either someone's only or their nothing. Simple.

I feel like Karma has got me. Last year, I was upset about H wanting to go golfing on Australia Day. I thought it was a family day and should be spent together. I guess it didn't occur to me that just because it meant that to me, didn't mean that was what it meant to H,..., well now this year H will be camping with my kids on A-day,.,, wow, that feels like a punch in the face. Lesson learned.

Today was the hottest day recorded around here. It reached 46.5 c,.,, that's 115.7 F

I'm so thankful for our aircon today. I ended up taking the kids to the indoor pools in the afternoon. It's still pretty hot now at nearly 1am