How to make it work again?

[scaredsilly]

bug, i know you weren't saying that. it seemed to me that Oldtimer was implying that i'm "dysfunctional" if i'm not ok with it for SD23.

we put in $200/month for christmas gifts into our christmas club; $1,200 to his side and the same to mine. we give each adult child $100 for birthdays and the same for grandchildren and his mother. his side outnumbered mine for a long time but that never bothered me. i don't keep count on something like that. he has alluded to mine now outnumbering his but i don't even want to hear about that. he has three kids and they will have kids so i'm not going to start counting pennies (and decendants).

my H is very frugal. i've always been much more giving and generous than he is, unless it comes to HIS kids, then he's generous...but not to mine. i won't have this double standard anymore. if anyone can use a $500-a-month gift, it's my S40 who has five kids, a stay-at-home wife, a mortgage, two car payments, and a child who needs on-going medical procedures!

but i'm not asking for us to support him in anyway.

i won't get involved in dividing our income and paying things proportionately. to me, it's way too late for that. i have paid in much more, proportionately for his obligations than mine, primarily, because i didn't have any and he did. so now, since our money was always "ours", it's too late for making it "his" and "mine". it would not be fair to me.

yes, this boundary was one of my list of things i need in a mate and one of my firm boundaries that i stated to H prior to our R attempt. he was the one who, without prompting, advised me that he had told his daughter it was stopping. that would have been the only way i would stay in this relationship. i was very clear.

so, i'm not dysfunctional. i think giving money to an able-bodied, adult college graduate, who has no loans and more money in the bank than most people, IS dysfunctional, especially, when your mate, who is not that person's parent, objects. it's wrong on so many levels and to me, begs for counseling. H has refused MC before but i think it is something that will have to happen. i will broach it again soon.

thankfully, "adult support" has stopped. all monies coming into our marriage have always been "ours". all monies going out have to be "ours", too, or else the accounting favors him (who is still working) when it was supposed to be "ours" after i retired and brought in less.

i appreciate your advice and empathy, bug.