Still walking the path to my own happiness

[25yearsmlc]

Well thank God, our insurance actually was not cancelled. What happened was the group # changed, so when I logged into the website, it said our coverage had been terminated which freaked me out of course.


Regretful, you know I'm on "your side" right? Okay, for the first time I can recall, I am going to call you on some BS and I hope you'll look at it for how it is intended...it's a small series of 2 x 4s you can reject at any time. But food for thought...

Let's be totally honest now and do some looking in the mirror. Not looking at the frickin' PAST (enough already!) - but at your choices NOW...in the present...

Reverse the situation above.

IF it was your husband who had "freaked out OF COURSE" (??) when reading the insurance notice, and blamed you for something angrily, just assuming the worst of you, and spoke w/contempt here-- all for nothing,

what do you truly believe you'd have written here?

For all you've said, (and I've often agreed with) about HIS inability to forgive you being such a stumbling block to a reconciled or restored marriage

you do much the same with him.

You deeply resent him, you often assume the worst (and act as if it's protective of you to do so, but I see it as damaging)... and for the life of me I cannot see how HE can change or why he would, if that is what you send out to him.

You can be loving to him without being a doormat. Loving someone is a risk that we can choose to do while we keep our dignity intact so we are safe. I don't buy that those are your only options. A lot of this is how YOU handle your emotions around him and contain them so he feels safer around you.

The whole "no eggs" thing left me wondering why you didn't see how negatively programmed you have let yourself get. Yes it was ungrateful of you, even if you had "told him the night before" that he was supposed to do breakfast...in a way even more so.

Scaredsilly wrote a great post to you about how you turned away from HIS love languages. I see that you discount them, and then intellectually you defend those choices here. You said something to the effect that while his love language is acts of service, YOU "Don't see it as an act of service UNLESS it's and this & that way .etc..."

and here, I'd have to ask you why you'd want to add ANY conditions to how someone gives you love?

Just take it in. Even if it's not wrapped the way you wanted it wrapped. It's still a gift.


I immediately texted, phoned and emailed H telling him it was cancelled and to please handle immediately, but then I noticed something on the site that said it may be showing as cancelled if our group # changed.

So, I wasn't angry at H, no accusations, no blaming, just "please handle this immediately."


Seriously? Um, Regret, if you read your previous post about how HE "LET THE INSURANCE LAPSE" --& your reaction, I think you'll see that indeed you were quite angry at him & you blamed him.

As soon as we figured out the problem he sent me the new #s and I was able to verify that we were fine. He actually said later on the phone that he was sorry for not catching that. He got a new card in the mail but one didn't come for me, so I had no idea the numbers changed.

Anyway, he said he was looking forward to coming home tomorrow. I am not really looking forward to him coming home tomorrow, but I didn't tell him that.

So HE said a nice thing to you. That's a pleasant surprise given the potential fall out for freaking out for the insurance non issue.

Your reaction was negative but thankfully you did not share that with him, overtly. What did you say, nothing? Do you think that your negative expectations and projections affect anything in him?

I realize he has wronged you and been DAMN unforgiving. I get it! I have believed for a long time that he does NOT know how to let the A go OR doesn't want to.

I fear he'll hold the A over your head forever...yes I fear that.

But I also fear you are becoming so negatively programmed that you are not being the loving woman you want to be in your next r, with him or anyone.

Don't let yourself spiral down negatively. Snap out of it and take the exit ramp.


He doesn't love traveling for work and always ends up nostalgic for home. We'll see what tomorrow and the weekend brings. I feel very uninvested at the moment.

well your lack of investment shows. I get it, but the "showing" part does not help anything. Hide it better, change your head/heart, or fake it til you make it or whatever.

But this path is a long negative downward spiral. A sep would be better than the negative programming I sense happening in both of you.

Like I said, the "what, no eggs?" Comment and his reaction, and then your reaction are all hallmarks of a dysfuntional r. And you intellectually defended your response as if it was appropriate b/c after all, you told him to do that for the family the night before. Kind of like how he did the brunt of work at home although he has long hours too, his are more flexible. He felt you did not appreciate it enough or show gratitude. You seem to concede you did not express gratitude or appreciation and then you dismissed it as significant b/c to you it was not something very deserving. Read your post again and see how you lessen his contributions whenever he wants or needs them to be appreciated. You minimize them.

So it's definitely Not all him & your kids are seeing this and learning what not to do in a loving m...

When will they learn the other stuff, the good things TO DO in a loving m?

How will that happen?

What does your DB coach have to say about your approach and attitude?

Do you want to change YOU or not? Do you want to sep or not? If not, why not? IF so, why?

Why not Take some iniative or proactive steps? I sense you want him to drop the other shoe on you, and you might be more or less nudging him that way...

I urge you to At least live a life of INTENTION ---so that whatever precedes, YOU participated in your life's events. They did not just "happen TO you"...

make sense?