Yes I agree with you B. When I first moved back home I thought we were in piecing and got burned bad. At the time I didn't realize how much work I had to do on me. Reflecting back I've come a long way but have a long way to go. I mean I use to call her mom 5 x a day and bash my W to family members via txt. How lame was that. very. I even bashed her here on this forum. lame.
Now I wouldn't even think of saying anything bad about my W.
My guard isn't down. The only thing I can think of doing going forward is to continue to increase GAL. I mean ACOA and EE are huge steps but I think GAL and continue to work on myself.
You are correct. She hasn't come out and said she wants to work or recommit to the marriage to me. She definitely told a neighbor she was. That she felt like she was going though something and she needed to figure things out. Her actions are completely different too.
I'm still trying to let her come to me but let me tell you my W is a Capricorn and I have to say the most stubborn person on the planet. I love her and all. But she is stubborn and she knows it!
It almost appears she snapped out of a fog or if she was having some sort of EA it ended (another topic on this,
Lets say it was an EA, and that it has ended.
Remember, it happened for a reason. The consequenses of you're problems may be fading, but the problems are still there. Still a lot of work to do. However, it's really nice to see things are taking a turn for the positive! Keep going strong and keep your expectations in check!
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
no one is saying not to be grateful for better interactions. We're just saying that downsizing to a smaller home might be simplifying your lives for a good reasons, OR it's her making other plans that MAY be her way of softly walking towards piecing, without yet being sure -
OR not...but I would not press her or things between you two until you have the "action plan" you need. You'll have it in a few weeks. For now you still have a lot of confidence building to do with not being in a state of fear so often. Fear based choices are no way to make our life's decisions.
And oh, btw,
here's your "He11 yeah!" to telling her about EE.
Good job.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thx LA. Just being honest on here. It is a heck of a lot easier to remain calm when your W stops rejecting you. I KNOW you try to remain calm during rejection but it is obviously apparent that my W has continued to stop rejecting me.
I went out to eat with college friends last night. It was very nice. W even joked with me about it.
My W continues to goto a chiropracteur on her own addressing some of her medical issues. She continues to open up to me about them and instead of trying to fix her I just ask her what she needs and I am here for her. If I slip at all I tend to retract and say "I dont' know, I'm not a doctor"
Lets just say me and W "made up" last night.
I'm continuing to try to multiply the positives. I plan on being a regular at ACOA. I am attending EE in February. Even though things are good I need to continue to work on myself. Last time things were good it quickly when back to same old marriage because I did not GAL (even though KD told me too) and I didn't work on me at all.
My hopes is W would consider a couples weekend but her personality isn't typically this type.
Right now I am enjoying everything.
I slept back in the master bedroom last night. This included 2 kids and a dog on the bed. Sort wanted to go to spare room after 2 hours being in there lol. Thx god for king size beds.
On a positive note my surgery has removed my obnoxious snoring and reduced my apnea. This is HUGE. I can actually lay next to my wife. Haven't been able to do this in 10 years. Picture that. Can't snuggle next to your wife without wearing a dark vador type embarassing mask.
I have to say the Darth Vader mask is interesting but not sexy. Neither is my h's snoring though. I tend to shove him gently to make him shift but now I wear an IPOD to blast out his noise so I can remain in our bed and I think I'm losing some hearing...yikes!
HE had a surgery and it did not help, fyi.
ANyhow, my h wasn't the type to go to EE either. But he did AFTER I went and came back and he seemed to be "watching" me for a few months. My changes lasted...so he went
I am not saying your wife will go to EE or to a couples weekend...ever...
I am saying you are doing what YOU can, to make that happen. WHICH is to say --- you are going, and you are working on you.
That is truly ALL you can do. Bravo! and as for the other events happening in your life, take things easy but hey,
they're positive for sure. She will wonder if you revert and she may see "the OLD you" in any remotely similar behavior so take nothing for granted. But enjoy the present...it's good stuff.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Indeed it is good work. Years ago (same year I went to EE, come to think of it) I went to some ACOA meetings.
Although I DID REALLY get something out of them, one group I went to near work, also had a few people there who seemed to repeat their litanies against a parent, and then linked it to ALL their choices, even as 40 year olds.
That was a bit of a turn off but it's NOT the program, it was just a few people in that group.
But it reminds me that the labels we wear cannot define us. We are not victims of our parent's choices, today. Perhaps we WERE, but we are all grown up now and our parents get to be released at some point, for OUR choices and mistakes. (Good grief, I hope my children don't hold onto grudges about me when they turn 40.)
So a few Christmases later, I went back to the ACOA group b/c of my MIL and some issues that came up for her and me.
And sure enough the SAME guy was there, telling the SAME story about his dad "ruining that Christmas". This was FIVE YEARS LATER....wth? Move on!
He was so into being a victim, for LIFE. Never let it go and never forgave.
He is in his 4th marriage now OR he's again divorced. And still, HE isn't responsible for any of it. Odd isn't it, to get so much help all around you but to choose not to hear it.
Sorry if I'm rambling. PON, if you don't get what I mean, I'll explain when we meet next month.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My point also was that your wife may not want to rehash things that some ACOAs are fine rehashing.
IT just does not help everyone the same way. I found once I had said my peace and heard that there were many others in my situation,
that was enough for me.
I didn't go for another few years and then when a new issue came up, I asked the group for their suggestions and they were helpful.
I also did not want to hang onto my pain. I released it and it was freeing.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
