An onion, dance lessons and a Harley II

[labug]

No, I don't need to see it. This is just food for thought.

Did you really appreciate what she did when she was taking care of your home and the kids or might she have felt like you did: "I don't think she ever really understood the responsibility I felt for this"?

There is very little respect for women who are SAHMs. I've been a bit of everything, SAHM (for very short periods), part time home and work outside and FT work outside.

I have to say SAHM is the toughest because you never clock out, there're very little short term satisfaction for completion of projects, not many high fives for a great job on the latest successful contract, sale, or positive performance review and not many raises.

Maybe you in some way provided these things perks for your W, I don't know. But don't discount this as a possible starting point in her unhappiness.

I noticed that Mach posted some good stuff to you early on about her truth. It might be worth reading again.

This doesn't mean you take the focus off you but use this in thinking about what the man you want to be might do differently.

[subguy]

Did I appreciate her taking care of us?? Of course I did, after many years together I know I did not show my appreciation as much as I should have. I know I took her for granted at times. I thought I was being a positive husband. I tried to show her love and affection but I'm sure I did that in my love language not hers. I thought I was there for her, unfortunately I was not as there for her as I thought I was. A little arrogance on my part thinking I was a great husband?!?! It hurts to think I could have been/was that guy!!! That is something I will have to live with, knowing my actions hurt the one person I love the most on this earth.

Your absolutely right about perspective, right or wrong it's our version of the truth.

My W does not communicate very well and she admits that. Early in our marriage she would get angry at me and slap me in the face. I took it a few times after the 4th or 5th time I hit her back (I know I never hit women but she would not stop). She stopped hitting me after that and then turned to being nasty in an argument (saying ugly things). I learned to just walk away and not discuss it. I say this to not point fingers at her but to say I have faults and am trying hard to work on them. I also need to look at why/how I turned into this guy. Sometimes it's just me and sometimes I have been conditioned to act a certain way over the last 23 years. Is this important for me to do(cause I feel like it is important to know why)?? Should I look at our dynamic and figure out the how and why?? I hope I'm doing the right thing if it is a waste of time please tell me and I'll try to move on to other things.

The reason for posting what I posted was to point out that I had fears about providing an income and the pressure i felt, with that I let it turn into something bigger than just responsibility. It was not meant to be a rant against her, I was trying to connect the dots about me.

[labug]

And my post was not a rant against you, just as I said, food for thought. If we don't look at our automatic behaviors, and figure out why we do what we do, we can't change.

The key is to be mindful, thoughtful, not reactive but rather responsive

Now you've revealed there have been other dynamics, she was physically abusive. That's tough to take but sometimes there are deep issues with our Ss that they are unwilling or unable to fix.

So we're back to working on the only person we can change, ourselves.

[subguy]

And my post was not a rant against you, just as I said, food for thought. If we don't look at our automatic behaviors, and figure out why we do what we do, we can't change.

The key is to be mindful, thoughtful, not reactive but rather responsive

Now you've revealed there have been other dynamics, she was physically abusive. That's tough to take but sometimes there are deep issues with our Ss that they are unwilling or unable to fix.

So we're back to working on the only person we can change, ourselves.

I trust your line of questioning bug, I feel like you are here for our best interest and personal growth. I am reading and trying to digest your input and apply them constructively. Believe me it helps to have someone who encourages me to look deeper at myself. I was crying while I wrote that response, because looking that deep at me hurts at times.

[subguy]

Thanks everyone, yes the motorcycle lessons are more about beating a fear.

While talking with my BIL I expressed how at some point I had built up a lot of irrational fear. I said I thought it all centered around having children. I was the only income producer for many years and it changed me. I was worried about doing things that I use to do for fear of hurting myself and losing the income. I think it eventually turned into something bigger than just the income (negative brings on more negative kinda thing). My BIL expressed that he has the same fear (interesting), my W never had to work and I don't think she ever really understood the responsibility I felt for this. Whats more interesting is my sister said the same thing. When she was married she never worried about working after her divorce (her X was/is a dead beat dad) she had to work. She said she started having the same fears about her job and it kept her in a place that she hated for many years. It kept her from going for her dreams and desires. My desire to provide for my family eventually took me over.

If someone would have painted a picture of me 22 years ago on what I would have looked like I would have argued maybe even fought with that person. I'm not saying I was perfect then, but I let these fears control me for far to long. It is time I start living life, watching from the side lines is boring. I think after the motorcycle lessons/purchase, I'm going to take Salsa dance lessons. I found a place that is reasonable on the price and it just looks fun. That's right folks I may be 44 years old but these hips are gonna swing lol.

Took D to see the Harlem Globe trotters tonight, we had a blast. Laughing and yelling like a kid again. if anyone has a chance to see them it is worth the money.

Well, now I'm going to try my hand at making a lasagna for my son. He leaves on deployment soon and it's his favorite food. Wish me luck, if it suxx we go to an Italian Restaurant hehe.

Yes!!! As you know, H and I are on pretty good terms...this is one of the fears that keeps him in a job he hates. He recently confided that he had a five year plan and I said good for you!! Get out of the stupid job you hate!! I love what I do and didn't have to work either. Now I will have to, but difference is that I would do my job for free, if I could afford it financially

I am just beginning to understand the helplessness and responsibility of sole income earners. I understand why my comments over the years of money etc. must have been exceedingly hurtful. I also understand the resentment that comes through.

It is good to know that these feelings and desires are common to others as well. I always tend to think that I am the only one experiencing 'x" at any given time lol!

Although, let me say this, subguy, I never felt that H took what I did every day seriously. The kids, the school, the homework, the housework etc. Always felt I was less, somehow. How did your wife truly feel?

Good question IO. I'm sure she thought I did not appreciate her efforts. I am also sure I did not validate her hard work as much as I should have. There were a few times she said I know what I do is not as important as what you do. I tried to lift her up. I cannot remember exactly what I said and I'm sure it came out all screwed up but in my head it sounded great. I really thought I was validating her and praising her. Now I know I was doing it the way that I like for it to be done , not necessarily the way she needed it to be done. If that makes sense.

[JuneReN]

Makes perfect sense actually. . I think we only see to the ends of our own noses until we are forced to look further. Unfortunately it is rarely a wonderful thing that opens our eyes .:)

[labug]

I agree with Ruby, subguy.

I now see that H and I were both operating in our own little bubbles created of poor communication skills and almost nonexistent R skills and occasionally those bubbles would bump into each other, causing sparks, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

But for a long time we haven't been in the same bubble.

[JuneReN]

^^^ Yup