What was difficult for me was separating his actions from me being hurt. I still struggle with this.
It does still pain me when I see him dressed up in one of his date night outfits, knowing he is going to see her. Meanwhile, he will look me right in the face and lie about where he is going.
you know- it's sooooo icky - all of this . it does hurt to know he's going to have a weekend with ow - it is awful. i am not laying here - in a fog and bleeding- but it still hurts and i suspect will forever. it's the boldfaced fact that he is "choosing her" over me.
would a person ever feel neutral about that?
i don't think so- my h just said so - rite out - on the phone. like i don't know when he doesn't call it's because he knows if he calls from his cellphone i know. well, i hate it- and a little bit maybe hate him when he does.
he may as well know- it's just not something "i'm used to" or am likely to ever get "used to". I don't or didn't rant and rave or do anything other than say - "well, goodbye then" and when he said he wasn't leaving now, i just said "there's nothing about my life i care to share with you" and got off phone. i'm soooo not one for theatrics. sometimes i wish i was- maybe i'd be wonderful and much sought-after and all that rubbish divas have. I don't march out the door- tho i wonder when/if he will. i wonder which of us is the bigger coward.
i feel your pain- it stinks to be lied to and it stinks to be told the truth. can he really believe in his pea brain that if he tells me the truth that it's "okay" on any level?
he wants to think he's a nice guy. he is soooo far from that.
what in the world - just what???? could go on in his brain??? to think it could ever be okay- and to ever stay knowing me.
oh well- i just say the same old junk over and over- how many years can i be amazed at the actions of other people. i live in some victorian novel mentality about manners and decency and niceness.
i'm going to go have a little glass of wine and try to not think about him at all. i'm doing better than ever before- but what i lack in violent reaction- i make up for in sad resignation and (maybe - defeat and withdrawal).
Quote:
Don't sell yourself short Nero. We don't "have" to do anything. We don't have to put up with their nonsense. We don't have to be a part of their daily lives and madness. We don't have to stop loving/caring about them either.
honestly- i don't know what i have or don't have to do. i would like to achieve some sort of understanding here- i am tired of feeling confused and floating. i would like an answer- some stability and feel like i have a "future" looming out there. i cannot see it- i cannot see anyone to have it with- and that is my own neurosis. the pleasure i take in being anchored to & by someone. well, someone i want to be with. i guess i'll get lost and let you go - i'm just in my continual and endless loop here and i see it.
off to try and shut off mr brain so he lets me sleep- wish me luck
