sorry to hear things so grim- wish i could fly over and share a bottle of wine and whine.
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I have to say without this site, I can't even imagine where I would be today or what I would have done by now.
I feel the same- i think i'd be gone because i THOUGHT that is what one must do. i do not know if it would be better or not- or if by now i'd think i ran too fast- we seem to have wandered down some path that was meant for us to find- not of our own choosing necessarily- but maybe what we "needed"? i don't know- do you think the cosmos leads us? is it God? is it luck, chance, fate, wtf???
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I am at a point where I truly believe this M is over and H will never come back nor do I want him. My aunt said she was there for 5 yrs...today she's M 9 yrs since he woke up.
could you do that? can i? her h woke up- i wonder if ours will - ever.??? how does one make that call???
i'm not sure i think my r will ever come back either. it might be something different if a miracle occured (yeah - rite) and h worked to convince me to try- i'm not thinking he will ever get to that point while i'm still around. maybe he'll reach it someday when i'm a long -gone memory. - i don't think i can do this for that long. just me speculatin- maybe giving up- i didn't think i was- but honestly- how long can i delude myself about whether or not he will ever "turn around".
i agree with you that it is something big that your son volunteered to "be there" and participate. i hate it when people cut each other off- i like the idea of family- so i'm thinking the emotional "connect" of whatever sort to a family is a good thing. even when it's loyalty to someone a mess - for old time sake- whatever. it's positive. yay sonny boy to be so mature.
my h called - chitchatted a bit - then said he's going out of town. i quickly said "well, goodbye then" . he said "i'm not leaving rite now" - and i just said "there's nothing about my life i care to share with you" and hung up. i'm such a jerk - i feel badly about it- i just can't talk to him and act like i don't know. when i do know- i hate him for that moment and then i don't want to talk to him, know him, allow him to hurt me, think about him, give him air time, act like it's all okay- nothing. just nothing, nothing, nothing... why in the world would i want to share even one thought with someone that thinks so little of me. well, nothing of me at all. am i missing something here? is he crazy or what?
i didn't throw up- i didn't even feel too much like i wanted to. he is pushing this til it's over for me- i feel so sorry he's chosen this path -
oh well- i feel soooo powerless and "done". it hurts - but somehow i'm still here - i wonder how long tho? i don't even know if i'm a wus to feel this and feel like giving up and running away. on one hand there's the pressure from "the world" to ditch him and just GO. ON THE OTHER hand there's the db pressure to ride it out- ride it out- and wait and hold on. oh man- either way-
i've asked myself thirty million times what i'm doing here and you're doing there- this love thing- the too many more years of love and good life that outweigh the several of pain and misery. wonder if that's it? whattyathink?
is your litehouse still standing? or too bashed around to lite?
i wonder about mine. i wonder if he'll call and say he's going for good or done forever? i wonder if he ever would. or i wonder WHEN he will. I guess i should be thinking it's something that WILL happen - just a matter of time. i don't understand anything about him- i guess he just does not care if i stay or go- ow is most important thing in life. oh well huh????
i'd thought i'd go to fla in feb. - maybe i'm kidding myself. maybe even seeing the kids and getting a baby fix is a bad idea- i should stay put up here. how can he see me gal if he's not here? . i'm sick of sitch up here- i'm lonely and worn out - don't even know who will look in on mom- crap...
okay- no more thinknig tonite. i'm taking more nyquil- i slept sooo well, didn't cough - and felt very empowered this morning and good about me. amazing what sleep will do- so-
i'm going to have that wine, watch a show- list somejunk on ebay and hope to sleep. this particular5 life stinks- can't wait til it's done-
soooo- can we assume this is my journey and that it will , in fact. END SOME DAY??? I MEAN, without me dying that is??? as in alive to look back and - laugh? (we hope) keeping a good thought.
hope you find some peace of mind dawn- don't know how to get it- maybe you need some nyquil too-
can you (or do you want to) hang on in any sense? do not allow your crisis mode to swallow you- remember mwd saying in one of her books that feelings come and go. what you feel rite now- you may not tomorrow. can you lable it a feeling and take a step back from the brink? i'm trying to do that now- empty mind- do not address "that" - just turn my back on him and thoughts of his "trip" and my anger, etc.
can we just turn the other way? try- don't do anything drastic at all- it's just rite now what we feel - these "feelings" don't have to define us- we need to find ourselves in the bottom of this feeling tornado-
helllooooooo down there..... any body hommmmmeeeee?????
