I really thought I had a hit a good place. I was starting to feel okay about where I was headed and things with H is pretty good, I still miss him like crazy and love him. And honestly, the more time that goes on, the more I can see me without him as much I don't want to.
In other words, you were starting to detach and GAL. That's why I really don't understand the rest of your post, which really just goes on and on about your H, OW, how you talked about OW to other people and it got back to H, etc. etc. etc. My question to you is this: what does detaching mean to you? Because here is what it should mean (credit to Peanut):
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
So the concept is nothing your H (or OW) does affects your disposition. You need to separate yourself from all of that. Work on yourself. Detach. GAL.
Quote:
But why does nobody understand, I AM HURT!
Oh yes, nearly all of us here do indeed understand hurt. But DB'ing is about NOT acting out of pain, but acting out of love. Acting out of pain drives you farther from your goals. Acting out of love drives you closer to them.
Quote:
I know a lot of you say he is not going to talk about any of this with me. But till he does, I feel like I will never have closure. I need to have questions answered - what is so wrong with that?
You have to accept you'll never have the closure you want. H doesn't have the answers you seek unless you want to hear "I don't know" as an answer. The WAS isn't thinking logically. They don't know themselves what is driving them and they certainly can't verbalize it to someone else.
