W came to pick up the kids last night:( I hate it because that is when the life goes out of my apt. I try to stay upbeat when they leave but its hard. I kick myself for taking them being around for granted before. What an idiot!
Before she left I decided to to ask her if I could talk to her. Told her no pressure and I just needed to say some things to her. She agreed.
I started the converstation by letting her know I wasn't telling her this to to "win" her back. I needed to apologize for my actions for closure. I told her I read some old letters from her and pieced things togethor from research I'd done lately and it hit me. I wasn't there for her mentally and didn't tell her how beautiful she was and that she "was" good enought. I did my best to care for her in which I thought was right but my LL wasn't hers. Her parents always compared her to her brother and still do to this day. She never felt good enough for them. She has a lower self esteem and maybe self worth due to this. But she puts up a tough ext so its hard to tell. Or at least for a stupid guy. Needless to say I sincerely apologized for not taking care of her needs and being a better husband. I told her I understood now why she has done what she has. The other guys told her what she wanted to hear. I'm sure they complimented her and put her on a pedestal to lift her ego and that made her feel good. Doesn't make it right but I undertand now. And you know what she said??? "All I wanted was to hear it from you"..........broke my heart.
She then proceeded to apologize for her actions and told me she feels bad for letting everybody down. Me, the kids, Her parents, my parents. She knows what she is doing is effecting the kids and she feels terrible. I told her its hard to tell as she seems so happy. She admitted that was just a facade. She thought she'd be going out having fun with her freinds now that shes on her own but most of them are in relationships and aren't into that now. So sometimes she just watched movies by herself and maybe goes shopping to fill the time. Wow this made me feel a little better.
We ended with a real hug and I told her that I do still love her but I understand she is involved with OM. I said I know that has to play its course before we can even be freinds. I told her I have done what she wanted as far as the D is concerned. I have gotten the paperwork ready but she will need to sign it first as I refuse to. I will sign it after her but she can take a day, a week, a month, etc to decide. I won't slow the process but I won't speed it up either.
The appt with the attorney was today but it got cancelled as the attorney has the flu. Sign?????? We will see......
