How to make it work again?

[scaredsilly]

CV, i appreciate your understanding. to answer your question, no, i would not expect a someone to stop spending $500/mo. on his adult daughter. but what i would do is steer clear of that man because he has major guilt issues. if his daughter were in the same situation as my SD23 is, there would be no need for him to give her that money.

also, knowing what i know now about how my H is and his kids, i would not have married him. but, even if i did, i would have, at the very least, kept our money separate. then he could spend on his D23 'till his heart's content. but he wouldn't be able to afford it because i supplemented his income to make his "disney daddy" life with them possible.

oldtimer, this issue goes back to trust. this is not "my wishes". we made agreements a long time ago about our finances. we made legal documents. he did not live up to them and honor them. he disrespected me and our marriage by doing that; placing their financial comfort above mine after all the sacrifices i made for him and them and after the time we agreed it would stop, for the most part.

oldtimer, we have financial autonomy. i buy what i want. he buys what he wants. in fact, i love to see him buy things for himself. and i'm not afraid to buy things for myself. we don't ask each other for permission.

however, $6,000 a year to his daughter is not "autonomy". at this point in her life and in her situation, that's stealing from me. that's how i feel about it. i never resent anything he wants for himself or us. but this is a partnership, not a sole proprietorship, and she's not one of the partners anymore. unless she's his mini-wife?

i'll give you this: i do not want our money spent to support his adult children anymore. i WOULD resent it if he did that. after almost $200,000 in support going towards his kids over the past 16 years, am i not allowed to now want that to stop?? they are not children anymore. i shopped at walmart for my clothing for years because of all the financial obligations of H. our lives were dictated by his child support and what he wanted in life (rental properties, boats, home on the water, etc.). i went along and sacrificed.

when do you think my sacrificing for his kids should be allowed to stop? are you giving your SD $500 a month? you say she's able to take care of her own life now and doesn't need help. so is mine. so what? when you agree to let your wife give yours $6,000 a year, let me know. then i'll be more inclined to listen to you and not react so "defensively". until then, i don't think you have a lot of credibility here.