I understand that H is currently complying with your wishes. I would disagree that the dysfunction has been addressed.
Here are two problems I see:
(1) Trust and love are too closely connected to in your mind to the idea that H should apparently have no real financial autonomy in your M.
(2) H and his D are at very different places in their lives due to their ages than you and your S. This is fine as long as both sides recognize that and allow space for that. But, that doesn't seem to be happening.
To be in a marriage with shared financial goals does not require one to forfeit all financial autonomy. Nor does allowing for some financial autonomy require all bills to be split into percentages, nor any other complicated dynamic. You might, for instance, decide that you each get $100 or $1000 a month that you may spend in any way you wish. There is nothing complicated, unloving, fiscally unsound, or anti-marriage in such an agreement.
So, if you each get $100/month (or whatever) to spend on your own freely, would it still be a problem if H used his to help out his D?
Of course I may be mistaken, but my sense is that (1) you would still resent how he spent that money and (2) you wouldn't go for him having that kind of financial autonomy in the first place.
If that's right, then there seems to be enough dysfunction when it comes to finances in your M that financial control issues will continue to put it at significant risk.
Last thing: FWIW, I have found that if I make greater progress toward my goals when I try to (1) open my mind to ideas toward which I feel the most emotional resistance, and (2) stop reacting defensively.
