Trying not to lose my way in the ultramarathon

[gunny]

Hey JB,
What your w said about you still wanting to control the sitch is exactly what my ex said one night when we were having a heart to heart. She was crying and I sat down to comfort her, she had been drinking and said that the magnitude of what was happening was finally hitting her. Up to that time we had agreed that I would file here in Nj(even though I didnt want the divorce), because she was moving to ohio and would have to come back here to appear in court. I was having second thoughts and told her that since she wanted the divorce, she should file, not me, since I didnt want to do something I didnt believe in. She looked at me and said how surprised she was by me saying that, that we had an agreement and that I should follow through. She said that by not filing I was trying to control the sitch, which was one of her main reasons for wanting the d. Since I believe always keeping your word is sacrosanct, I told her that I would follow through even though I didnt want the d.

Should I have said the heck with keeping my word and reneged on my agreement to file? Still havent come to a conclusion on that, my therapist and all friends and family at the time said that I should have let her feel the pain of her actions., a year and a half later, not sure, I certainly was in a less stable emotional state then than I am now.

I guess my point is that I was also told that I had been neglectful of my sp during the marriage, with much justification. She was right when she said I was attempting to control the sitch by slowing down the process, even in my emotional fog i could grasp that essential point. It was then that I realized that she had to have the d, and it was pointless of me to try to hinder the process. Looking back now, I think it was the right decision, since we have remained amicable, are just now slowly starting to communicate every 4 weeks or so on a very basic basis, usually about the welfare of our dog, which she has custody of.

The other thing i wanted to comment on was your comment about moving the d along to show her you are doing something positive. All well and good, but if you are going to move the process along, do it for you, not just to show her you are doing something positive, because then you make gal look like something you are doing for her, when in reality, you are doing it for you. Hopefully I expalined that correctly. If you do it for her, then you havent quite detached to the degree that you might need to show her that you are ready to move on if need be, dont want to, but can if push comes to shove. If she thinks you are controlling, any hindrance of the process is going to be perceived by her as just the same old same old.

Just my two cents, as always buddy, I hope for the best.