Let me share my typical afternoon/evening with my wife.
I’m coming home from work. W is usually in kitchen or front room. Me: coming thru door with smile. Attitude is upbeat. “Hi honey, how was your day?” Hug and peck on lips/cheek, whatever is offered. Her: sometimes smile, sometimes neutral. “Hey. Fine.”
Then I go to greet kids and ask them about respective days. Me: going back to W. Attempt to hug or put arm around W. Hugs are <3 seconds. My arm around her is usually shrugged off within 10 seconds because she’s “busy” or “needs to go get ____”
I go about doing some small things with kids, etc. and then return to wife. I try to ask questions about her day and sometimes she asks how my work went. We used to have 20 minute conversations just about my work (not initiated by me, but by HER) or her day, but she now just stops talking about it or anything she’s done and concentrates on cooking/cleaning/whatever else she can do.
Me: getting close to her, I ask what’s happening this evening (her schedule in the afternoon/evening is busy), and if she needs help with anything. Her mannerisms and attitude are usually enough to tell me that she isn’t interested in talking/interacting/being touched.
By this time I have had enough of her cold and distant attitude, so I go do something with the kids or in the garage or outside. There’s plenty to do. I will attempt affection and interest in her at some point later in the evening, but will get the same results. By the end of the night I am feeling worn out and left out, and I am looking for any scraps of attention she might throw my way.
My wife’s cousin (who is staying with us for a few days) cornered me last night and told me that when I leave my wife alone after attempts at affection/interaction get rebuffed, my wife views it as I’m going away to be angry and sulk because I’m not getting what I want (which is her making the first move).
These interactions with my W are trying to tell me something, but I’m feeling pretty dense right now. I guess I feel stuck because my W tells me she needs to be treated with confidence and passion, but I pull myself out of the game after a few attempts at regular pleasantries and neutral affection. If she doesn’t seem interested in what I’m bringing, then I shut down. I need to treat these rejections with the “as if” attitude, and I thought I was, but if my wife’s cousin sees me being affected by it, then for sure my W sees it that way, and it is making it worse for her. So, another short term goal that has to be met is: her rejection is met with ”as if” by me.
I’m still struggling with trying to meet her emotional needs when she is rejecting me all the time. So, instead of blaming it on her or analyzing her thought patterns right now, I need to explore what she is telling me. I am being rejected because she still sees the needy, desperate, emotional wreck that she has been seeing for the last few years. It must mean that all of my attempts at being "upbeat, happy and confident" are easily seen through. This must mean I haven't really done ANY real work on the things I need to fix within myself. Wow....
